expose / unearth

[soobun]

sorry my brain has been taken over by this fic idea for the past few days and despite writing ten THOUSAND words about it and having posted it i still unfortunately keep thinking about it… (i think it's also cuz i didn't have debrief time with a tonight) so here’s some useless rambling.

i’ve been thinking about ncej a/b/o pretty much since i started writing for them, but (1) i didn’t think i could write a/b/o properly (not shameless enough) despite usually enjoying it as a concept and (2) it was hard to fit them into an a/b/o dynamic that felt inspired to me. once i became friends with c and they said they were writing one i was like fuck yes!! now i don’t have to! (and i’m still manifesting it cause i really think they can pull it off) but literally being on call talking about uh… bottom!nico? and then thinking about how i could pull THAT off in a way that felt inspired, and then my mind combined it with a/b/o, and then my brain exploded. finally an idea that compelled me, one where i could write bottom!nico in a way that felt true to me (the alpha contrast helps imo, adds layers) AND top!ej without committing character assassination. and the reverse, which i’ve already written, but hopefully this time it shows in a different context.

and for once i actually wrote a very vague outline (that shifted a little) in my notes app before i started writing, let me also put it here -

> euijoo is far away
> context? nico wants euijoo to top him
> build tension
> bathroom, euijoo beta “reveal”
> have btm nico sex about it. euijoo likes it but hes still distant
> build tension. heat crisis???
> “haha yeah i’m an omega and its been a plague on me my entire life”
> btm ej sex, nico still wants euijoo to top him

upon reflection its really less of an outline than me brainstorming how i wanted to lay everything out (also, for the record, i thought it’d be more like 6-8k MAX) but i think it helped, um, sort of. i thought at first it would just be two sex scenes, but the first ‘build tension’ in my “”outline”” ended up much longer than anticipated (the alley scene), and i thought it made sense for them to get together in that way first before the, yknow, anal. at the end of the day it’s a/b/o fanfiction so it’s inherently not realistic in the slightest but i generally still want to try LOL

ok let me go scene by scene and talk about themes and process and whatever.

i. intro / flashback - euijoo alpha convo

as usual i wrote this fic in order w/o jumping between scenes or moving anything around, but for a while i was floating the idea of trying to swap the first two, thinking maybe opening in media res w/ alpha nico wanting “alpha” ej would be more interesting, and THEN providing the context (their past convo). but then it just didn’t seem right, and i was also wary of the second paragraph in my fic having the phrase ALPHA 4 ALPHA RAW UNCUT BREEDING in it. so i hope maybe its better with the context first, but i’m still not sure.

i also wasn’t 100% sure how obvious to be with the fact that euijoo clearly is not an alpha, i feel like it’s surely clear from this first scene but i didn’t want it to be like… TOO obvious? that’s something i’d really be curious to hear from readers who went in blind! i also didn’t want nicholas to come off too clueless/stupid (just a little stupid<3), hopefully it reads more that he’s trying to take euijoo at his word & not offend.

this is my favorite bit from this scene: Euijoo was quiet again. His foot had stopped moving on the carpet. Nicholas watched him swallow, slower than when he had taken his pills, like whatever he was swallowing wasn’t going down, or was going down wrong.

hence why i wanted to callback to it in the final bit with: ’Nicholas watches him swallow, sees the fruit go down nice and easy.’ i always try to end my fics full circle, it’s usually the only way i can feel satisfied with an ending thematically :(

ii. nico wants ej to top him

this scene is not that interesting but is hopefully kinda fun/hot/provides necessary context for nico’s feelings. i had fun writing the description of the porn video, making it an obvious ncej parallel. and this is not really on topic but ’Nicholas closes his eyes, tries to imagine his blunt fingers as Euijoo’s longer, defter ones.’ is anyone else still feeling insane about the fact that nico said that he sized the ring for euijoo’s birthday based on his own PINKY FINGER? jesus christ.

iii. more context + hyungline outing

the summary excerpt is from this scene: ‘In a lot of ways, Euijoo might be the perfect alpha: in control, composed, leading from a distance. Everything, for him, from a distance.’ and i knew pretty immediately that it’d be what i’d end up going with. the main themes of this fic are distance / identity / desire, so i rly wanted to hone in on that! and i felt like it was just vague enough lol.

what else is in this scene. i’m fond of nicholas scolding himself with “bad dog,” lmao, i kind of wish i had euijoo say it at one point. or maybe “down boy.” ’He needs to be good for Euijoo, if he’s ever going to want him back. He’s never going to be an omega, but he can be good.’ i like this phrasing and i think it’s an important character bit - nico’s pov tends to be more lighthearted for me, but he’s also kind of lowkey Suffering for a good portion of this fic, even if it’s not very loud or dramatic. in a sense he HAS changed himself/gone against his instincts because he thinks its what euijoo wants, and even though he learns that he does genuinely like it, he’s really… working hard at it. he assumes that euijoo wouldn’t want him at his alpha worst, and he’s really genuinely /trying/ to be good.

i wish i had more of the other members in here but i knew it was already going to be too long, but i liked writing the little kuma bit. if anyone’s wondering about my headcanons for the other members, its kei→alpha, fuma→ alpha (but in the blaspheme kuma bitching fic way), jo→beta, yuma→omega (hence the irony in that one line), taki→beta, harua→omega, maki→bb alpha. yuma's open about his omega status within the group, but harua isn't. a little stereotypical but we go.

iv. walk home + alley scene

the scene that got away from me :( i think this one is really sad in a lot of ways, or at least i wanted it to be. i put them in the dark as an obvious metaphor, these two bits -

> ‘He wishes for the millionth time that he could smell Euijoo, that he could have a roadmap by which to guide him, that being with Euijoo didn’t so often feel like stumbling around blind in the dark.’

and then right after nico says he wants euijoo’s knot:

> ’Euijoo is looking down deeper into the alley, at the dark, at the nothingness. ← euijoo is feeling desperately unseen, but he can’t even be upset about it because it’s his own fault, so hopefully the self-loathing is coming through. that’s why he’s so clipped, so distant, which i’m sure is obvious to the reader, but nicholas is struggling to deal with it.

also this after nico is talking about fingering himself: ’“It feels good, huh?” Euijoo asks. It’s hard to place his tone. There’s something removed in it, beneath the heat.’ in my brain, euijoo hasn’t done it to himself in years, trying so hard to remove himself from the image of ‘omega’ in his head. this is why he gasps so fucking loud in the final scene when nico puts his fingers in, because it’s been so long, and also why he’s so clipped when nicholas asks him if he’s ever done it before in the next scene.

also, i wanted to callback to the ribcage imagery from earlier - ’Every time Euijoo breathes, Nicholas can feel his ribcage expand right into Nicholas’s own. Insanely, he pictures the bones of their ribs entangling, clasping together like hands, unable to be separated again.’ → ’the sensation of his fingers, cold, overlapping with Nicholas’s, like ribs entangling.’

v. bathroom scene + bottom!nico

tbh i think this is my favorite scene, i think partly because i wasn’t convinced i could pull it off, and then when i reread it i was actually pleasantly surprised (rare).

i can truly never resist a mirror metaphor, i swear it shows up in like every other fic i write, but it’s just such an obvious (hopefully without being too overdone) metaphor for identity issues/seeing and being seen/etc. i can’t help it!

> ’There are swirling, dizzying patterns of steam on the glass; if Euijoo turned to look at himself, he could catch an eye, a line of jaw, but his full portrait would be hidden until the lines melted away, thawed with the fresh air.’ and then once euijoo tries to tell nico that he’s an omega (poorly) (both of them fail communication 101 during that bit) - ’When [Nicholas] quickly looks back at the mirror before leaning against it, he can see that it’s already fogging up with steam again, the same dizzying patterns filling in, growing new limbs.’ they’re both trying, but they ultimately failed here, and euijoo remains unseen.

my main concern with this scene is that i hope euijoo doesn’t come off as too uncharacteristically stern/cruel, but i hope its clear that hes REALLY pissed off and trying not to show it too badly after nico says ”I don’t care. Alpha, beta, whatever.” when euijoo is trying so hard to imply that he’s an omega without having to say it. as i said earlier, nicholas is just trying really hard not to offend him, but since neither of them are willing to say it, they both end up talking/seeing past each other. but this is the second time nico has (in euijoo’s mind) been unable to even fathom the idea of him being omega, so euijoo assumes its because he wouldn’t want him to be, because it would disgust him, whatever, it’s all wrapped up in a lot of negative emotions to him.

i also really wanted the begging motif to begin harshly, because i knew that i wanted it in the final scene and thought there would be more emotional payoff that way. ’“Begging doesn’t always get you what you want,” Euijoo says, against his mouth. The words sound painful coming up, almost spat out.’ (euijoo’s thinking about how he begged to god to not be an omega, but of course, you don’t always get what you want) and then nico’s “Do I have to beg for this, too?” striking a chord because it hits in that same vein.

i was also so glad that i could make nico cry in this fic ❤️ to me, he’s not the kind of guy to cry during sex in a normal context, so being able to make it work here was like! yippee!!!!

> ’He wants Euijoo to move, to be moved by him, to do something, Nicholas is so turned on and so full of contradictory emotions that he’s scared he’s going to start fucking crying. He doesn’t think Euijoo is being cruel on purpose, or maybe—yes, maybe he is, but not for the same reason Nicholas thinks he is.’

it’s because he likes euijoo being stern with him, controlling even, but he didn’t expect it in this context, with so much distance still between them, still off-kilter from euijoo’s earlier semi-confession. but i couldn’t end the scene in that way, and i don’t think euijoo would see nico crying in this context and feel any joy in it.

“It hurts when you go away.”

Euijoo looks remorseful, the lines of his mouth pulled down by what looks almost like grief. “I’m right here,” he says.

“You weren’t,” Nicholas says, and Euijoo doesn’t say anything else.

^ tbh i loveee reading dialogue that feels so vague yet loaded(?) in other fics so this was an attempt to imitate that, hopefully successful, i think it got across what i was intending at least. and euijoo coming back to nico, after, i really hope felt as emotional as it did when i was writing it. nico trying to thank him, euijoo saying don’t, nico telling him that it’s okay, really. i dunno. i got myself.

vi. bottom!euijoo (sorta) heat sex

presumably everyone saw the omega reveal a mile away but i tried to make sure it still hit a bit… (don’t tell me if it didn’t)

oh yeah! scent descriptors! i have a dislike of most scents so i didn’t really know how to describe them, and i didn’t want to be too cliche, but euijoo being (vaguely) fresh air & nico being (vaguely) earth scented felt like a nice parallel. ’The earth, maybe, but that’s not really it. It smells like how it feels to run, I guess. To feel the earth steady beneath you.’ ← cheesy as fuck but they deserve it.

this scene was easier to write than the previous one (maybe b/c the dynamics are more familiar to me, also less emotionally fraught) but i’m not sure if it’s as good. gonna have to sit on it for a little longer. i definitely wanted to make sure that people didn’t assume that now that euijoo’s been revealed as an omega that they’d fall right back into traditional dynamics. no!!!!! hence:

“You’d let an omega inside you?” Euijoo asks, his voice a little harsh.

Nicholas says, “I already have, haven’t I?”

nodding emoji. i was also pleased to get euijoo calling him “strange” in there cause of the connection to tingle salon anniversary today when he coined that chemi name for them loool. and the begging full circle: ’Euijoo looks close to wrecked: his hair still fucked from his nap, face and neck blotchy red, eyes glassy, mouth perpetually open. It looks like he’s about to acquiesce, and then he huffs a laugh, says, instead, “Will you beg?”’ ← one of my favorite paragraphs in this thing, for some reason.

oh and i was debating whether they should do the mating bite thing but i was ultimately like fuuuck it who cares. surely the ramifications of a bond with a partner you’ve had for [checks notes] less than a week couldn’t go wrong. but no genuinely i’m sure they work it out.

okay that’s definitely enough, hopefully this was fun or enlightening in some way if you got this far, i really just needed to write it out for my own sanity. i think the demons have been purged!