alive because i bleed

[soobun]

ignore me. it's a trc playlist




you were burned, you were about to burn, you're still on fire.

youtube link

➣fraternal twin - skin gets hot

You see yourself when you look at the ground / And there's no one else / Rain comes down like rocks / No I never forgot / Because my skin gets hot

first of all! this is an adam-centric playlist. the pov shifts at some point but at the end of the day... it's about adam parrish. this opening song is a little vague but i love it because it piggybacks off of the "you were about to burn" description i chose. also, timeline wise, when this playlist opens, adam truly has no one else - hence the opening lines. and "skin gets hot" as a metaphor for the anger constantly simmering under his skin, the anger he's constantly worries he inherited from his father.

Only an arrow / Knows where it will go / So I pull and shoot / Like I've always done

there's nothing in adam's life other than 'forward' - a need to be somewhere else. he is both the bow and the arrow!

➣mini trees - honestly

basically... the first half of this playlist is just a rundown of adam's various neuroses. see:

Saving face, cutting ties with a part of me / Want leaves me poor / Always take, always more

the aforementioned need to be somewhere else, cutting ties with the parts of himself that he hates. working and studying to the point that he's barely a person because he's filled with so much 'want' - a greediness to not only leave this place that has hurt him so badly but also to become a wholly different person (or at least to be perceived as one).

What will make you happy? / Is it always chasing? / ... / Is it the world in your hands? / Is it taking all you can? / ... / Is it ending up alone? / Growing calloused and cold?

in a world where adam didn't end up with ronan (or blue, though i suppose that was pretty doomed from the get-go), it's easy to imagine adam with ostensibly everything he's ever wanted but still deeply deeply empty.

➣work wife - control

i kept debating taking this one off b/c the opening "i don't want to grow up" refrain is sort of the adam antithesis but i really do think there are moments where he looks around at his unlikely friends and genuinely fears the future he's going away to build, the fact that he'll be entirely alone in doing so.

Let go, let go / Wake up, go home / These days the sun sets early / I'm in control / Let go, my hands are sweating / And I always want to be in control

and then these lyrics... are so, so, SO adam. our little control freak.

➣loma - a steady mind

It's a position of practice / And he holds it so well / But he keeps a steady mind / Because he needs a steady mind / And he keeps his steady life / Telling no one

gorgeous song thank you loma for my life. the above lyrics are probably self-explanatory, adam who has practiced and changed himself and truly TOILED to be the person he wants to be, an endeavor that has left him (de facto) a solitary person.

i also adore the "human / inhuman" ending because... well. tfw you are half-forest.

➣marika hackman - drown

this one is Actually a perfect song all the way through -

Oh, I am bold as brass posing as gold / You can shine me all you want / But I am hard as I am cold / To know your faults, to know yourself / I suit me well

when you've built an entire life for yourself but you still feel at your core that it's not for you, or that you are not for it.

And I was born with a healthy appetite / For all that glisters / White and pure in the night / Identify your wants, your heart / Well, where can I start?

again, adam, always wanting. they were both hungry animals but adam had been starving for longer. etc.

Oh, to drown in your mind / I would, I know I would / To suffocate in your smoke / I'd choke on you if I could / Maybe I will

the first time that adam realizes that ronan is something he could want, it's with like... a violent pang of unexamined hunger. i really like how these lyrics encapsulate that overwhelming feeling, that violence.

➣radiohead - how to disappear completely

after you drown, what can you do but disappear completely

That there / That's not me / I go / Where I please / I walk through walls / ... / I'm not here / This isn't happening

adam's dissociative tendencies are mentioned in the books at multiple points; what better song to portray that than this one! :) it's also one of my favorites so i just had to. and narratively, i like it here because this is right before the playlist shifts to more of a ronan pov.

➣aphex twin - 4

instrumental! i needed to try and bridge the gap sonically and i also wanted to put a little edm-ish track in here to shout out the fact that that's ronan's canonical music taste. he likes more abrasive stuff but this is My playlist<3 and i think this aphex twin song is kinda gorg so it's on here.

➣gorillaz - el mañana

thank u to clover for this song suggestion<3 fighting for my life trying to go from edm to one of the national's most guitar-forward songs... also the lyrics fit so well:

Don't stop the bud when it comes / It's the dawn, you'll see / Money won't get there / Ten years passed tonight, you'll flee / If you do that / I'll be sworn / To find you

i really love (and am verklempt by) ronan's dichotomy in both wanting adam to leave because he KNOWS that henrietta is awful for him but also, selfishly, wanting him to stay. it's so deeply ronan's home in a way it's never been for adam, and i think there's a small illogical part of him that feels that adam's rejection of the place is a rejection against him. but regardless of adam's "fleeing," ronan has loved him too much to let him go without finding him again.

Lost my mind / Lord, I'm fine / Maybe in time / You'll want to be mine

;____; yeah

➣the national - friend of mine

Hey, where the hell are you / You don't call me back, John / Won't you come here and stay with me / ... / Oh, you gotta get out and get back to me

i think this is the first song i added to this playlist that actually made it to the final product LOL but these lyrics, of course, referring to ronan (and gansey, i'll never forget you king) constantly wanting adam to leave his parents' abuse to stay with them, but adam's pride making it impossible until irreparable damage has been done (going deaf in his left ear) (also ronan in a way made the choice for him by beating the shit out of his dad and - sort of - forcing him to choose).

I was in a train under a river when I remembered what / What I wanted to tell you, man / I got two sets of headphones, I miss you like hell / Won't you come here and stay with me

i like how the deep sentiment of this song is wrapped up in bro-ishness. truly feels like them, early days!

I'm getting nervous / No sign of a friend of mine / Red hair and blue eyes / I'm getting nervous

also a weirdly accurate description (red hair, blue eyes) (yes his hair is described canonically as 'dirt-colored' but Red Dirt Exists. so in my head it's like a tawny red. if you care.)

➣lucy dacus - thumbs

You Already Know...

You hung up the phone / And I asked you what was wrong / Your dad has come to town / He'd like to meet / I said "You don't have to see him" / But for whatever reason you can't tell him no

adam's stubborn, self-destructive tendencies are never more obvious than when dealing with his parents.

I would kill him / If you let me / I would kill him / Quick and easy / ... / I love your eyes / And he has them / But you have his / 'Cause he was first / I imagine my thumbs on the irises / Pressing in until they burst

YOU ALREADY KNOW. and ronan truly and legitimately would. there's this moment in one of the first fics for them i read where ronan says some shit like "i'm going to kill him" and then adam replies, emotionless, to stop, that he doesn't like violence, and ronan has to stew in the fact that the only thing he could think of to try and help is not only useless but repugnant. i also like to think he says things along the lines of the final verse in the song ("You two are connected by a pure coincidence / Bound to him by blood, but baby, it's all relative / You've been in his fist ever since you were a kid / But you don't owe him shit even if he said you did") which help, but ultimately, it's adam's cross to bear.

➣woom - seigfried / self control / white ferarri

the frank ocean mashup of all time. there's so much to love here, from the opening:

The markings on your surface / Your speckled face / ... / I couldn't gauge your fears / I can't relate to my peers

it is SUCH good ronan pov. the "markings on his surface" (adam's bruises, scars. etc.), his freckles. ofc ronan tries and fails to properly gauge adam, ofc he can't relate to his peers. and then later, with "I'd rather live outside / I'd rather go to jail" - ronan constantly threatening to drop out of school because he feels so othered from everyone & everything.

I'd do anything for you (in the dark)

don't get me started on this refrain.

I, I, I know you gotta leave, leave, leave / Take down some summertime / Give up just tonight, night, night / ... / I'm sure we're taller in another dimension / You say we're smaller and not worth the mention

such a gorgeous song PLS listen if you haven't. but these lines are so... adam who has to leave, ronan who wants him even if it's just for the night. ronan who is a punk asshole but who still believes in magic and dreams, who thinks that even if they can't be together in this world then surely they're happy somewhere else; adam who is practical above everything.

➣julie byrne - flare

once i rediscovered this song i was like FINALLY. AN ENDING.

Drive with me / Never knew what I wanted / Only how to let it go

God. name more ronan lynch-core lyrics. You Can't.

Be with me now / As the sun rises its flare / Grant us one more hour gorgeous and wild / I could have done better, you're not the only one / I know you, I see your determination / Remember our time for years to come

extremely bittersweet lyrics but i don't see this as a genuine Ending for them... i do think most realistically that adam's desire for self-sufficiency has and will take him away from ronan at some point ("i know you, i see your determination") and they're also notoriously horrible communicators ("i could have done better, you're not the only one") so of course there will be rifts and breaks. but i think the overall beauty & hopefulness of this song implies that they'll find their way to each other again. also, bit of a callback to the gorillaz song ("you'll flee / ... / i'll be sworn to find you") hee hee.