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soobunannotated thoughts on my silly little minizsong fic behind the cut. (kind of "spoilery" so i would not recommend skimming this before actually reading the pure thing!)
Seongmin walks out of the conference room last.
And later, Seongmin tentatively says to their manager: “Cover stages, huh?” They’ve all already been briefed on the concept for their upcoming mini concert. It’s a good idea, not uncommon. The thing is, the way they’ve been split up—
“Don’t ask me if you can change your cover partner, Seongmin-ah,” their manager says. They’re standing in the company hallway because Seongmin followed him when he stepped out to order dinner.
“I wasn’t going to ask that,” Seongmin says, making a face, annoyed at his plan being thwarted without even getting to whine about it a little. Obviously he was going to ask that. i don't really have anything important to say yet but i wanted to say that i have a REALLY hard time incorporating humor into my writing and i don't think anyone really finds it funny, but i hateee reading humor that feels forced (i can't stand "crack" fic) especially if it's at the expense of the POV voice? like if your mc isn't funny then their inner monologue isn't going to be them cracking jokes. for someone like seongmin, he can be funny because his reactions are so—you know. to me, he has a really contradictory inner voice and that's where the humor can come in... obviously he was going to ask that!
“All you have to do is practice together a few times over the next couple weeks,” he says. “It won’t be that bad.”
Seongmin doesn’t think it’ll be that bad, but now he’s a little worried about the fact that their manager figured him out so quickly. It’s not like Seongmin is “best friends” with anyone in the group (or anyone in general, a voice in his head says), so it’s not like his relationship with Hyeongjun (or, perhaps, the lack thereof) should be sticking out that much. seongmin loves to play down his relationships with others, ie saying he has no friends at school despite much evidence to the contrary. But he’s been wrong before.
“No, I know,” Seongmin says, not sure if he does. “Yeah. Nevermind.”
-
A couple hours pass and they’re in the practice room, worn out after a second consecutive run-through of almost their entire setlist. Hyeongjun extremely conspicuously sprawls out right next to Seongmin on the floor, almost hitting him in the head with one of his arms. Seongmin almost doesn’t react, just to see how far Hyeongjun would go to get his attention without directly asking for it, but he’s too tired. He turns his head to the left and looks over.
Hyeongjun’s freshly dyed hair, black, is stuck to his forehead with sweat. trying to manifest my favorite hyeongjun hair color back. also trying to show that seongmin is very aware of how hyeongjun looks. He looks like he did before they debuted, but there’s something in his eyes that wasn’t there before. Seongmin doesn’t know what it is, if it even has a name.
“Hi,” Hyeongjun says, just a touch too loud. Ejected from his thoughts, Seongmin doesn’t flinch, but it’s a near thing.
“Hi,” Seongmin says.
Hyeongjun makes a series of minute expressions, too quick to decipher. “Do you want to, um, talk about our stage?”
Of course. What else would Hyeongjun have come over here for? “Right now?” Seongmin asks, trying to infuse the words with as much exhaustion as possible.
“I mean, we can just try to pick our song right now,” Hyeongjun says, rolling over on his stomach, cheek scrunched up where it’s laying on his forearm. Hair still wet, eyes still indecipherable. “Brainstorm a little.”
Seongmin has a couple ideas, one song in particular that he wants to do. He almost thought they were going to get coerced into a cutesy girl group cover, not that he or Hyeongjun would mind that much, nor would i! but one of the higher up concept directors specifically said: “This’ll be a good opportunity to show off how much your vocals have grown, don’t you think?” which felt like a cruel thing to say, but it’s not like she knows that Seongmin doesn’t think he’s improved in a year. He doesn’t know what Hyeongjun’s thinking. He’s not going to ask. the first nod to what i consider this fic's main "theme"—asking for what you want & showing enough of yourself to do so.
“I haven’t really thought about it,” Seongmin says, finally. When he turns his head to avoid whatever Hyeongjun’s reaction to that might be, he suddenly catches Minhee’s gaze in the huge practice room mirror. He’s sitting against the wall, and he quickly snaps his attention back to his phone once he’s noticed Seongmin noticing him. Seongmin almost smiles. a moment of familiarity in an unfamiliar situation.
“I’ll come up with something if you don’t want to,” Hyeongjun says, and Seongmin looks back. “Or we can just ask one of the staff to give us a song.”
“No, I’ll—I’ll think about it,” Seongmin says. He should probably say something else. “We can…reconvene tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Hyeongjun says, seemingly appeased. He unsticks his face from his arm and gets up with an amount of energy Seongmin can’t believe he still has, walking over to Serim and Wonjin like he can’t stand to be next to Seongmin for any longer than necessary. Maybe that’s an unkind assumption, but really—Seongmin blinked, and he was gone.
Seongmin turns, tries to find Minhee’s gaze again, but he doesn’t look up until their choreographer says: “Up! Let’s do it again!” and by then, it’s too late.
-
Seongmin knows he’s not a strong vocalist. It doesn’t keep him up at night—he’s self-aware enough to know that his other charms are numerous and people don’t really become fans just for talent anymore, right? That’s obvious. And it’s not like his fans fault him for the tremors that naturally come out when he sings, but how much of that exoneration is due to his age? Will it change when he turns twenty, is there a time limit for when he can be let off the hook not just for his singing but his personality, too?
Maybe it does keep him up at night. But only sometimes. this paragraph was the first thing i wrote for this fic! and i think it probably set the tone for my seongmin voice: contradictory, self-aware, a little bit more anxious than he lets on.
Tonight, Seongmin decides, there’s no chance of sleep until he reaches the point of true exhaustion. And instead of torturing himself in bed, he gets up to make himself something to eat, bare feet padding quietly as he checks the common area for the other members. Empty. Makes sense, after a practice like today’s.
Upon reaching the kitchen, he realizes that without the help of either of his roommates, making a proper meal would be more trouble than it’s worth. But he can make ramen by himself—he’s almost an adult, isn’t he? He’ll even make a fried egg to put on top, too.
With the water set to boil and the egg sizzling, Seongmin considers. He—okay. If the next few weeks are to be in any way bearable, he needs to get his act together. He doesn’t even dislike Hyeongjun. He couldn’t tell you why he acts the way he does. But the way Hyeongjun treats him sometimes feels so… i probably utilize the ~ambiguous trail-off~ more than i should but sometimes i enjoy letting the person reading decide for themselves :)
“Seongmin-ah?”
Ah. That voice could only be one person. It snaps him back to reality just in time for Seongmin to realize that his egg is burning. have i mentioned that seongmin is a little bit of an airhead?
“Is this what happens when no one’s here to cook for you?” Minhee says, reaching over him to turn the burner off. Seongmin swats away the (very minor!) amount of smoke and huffs.
“I can fry an egg,” Seongmin says, looking at the crispy remains in the pan. It’s definitely still edible; the question is whether his pride is worth an attempt to eat it. to me, this internal debate is so hilariously seongmin. At least he hadn’t put the noodles in yet, the water in the pot still boiling away. “I got distracted.”
Minhee hums, already dumping Seongmin’s hard work in the trash and rummaging around in the fridge. “Thinking about…?” Minhee trails off, like he doesn’t already know. Seongmin sighs. Minhee likes when he’s honest, and it really is obvious regardless.
“The cover,” Seongmin says. “I know you’ve done a ton, so it probably makes no sense, but—“
“It’s scary every time,” Minhee says, moving back to the counter, hands full. “And they haven’t even been live. It’s different from a regular performance. No one to back you up.”
“Hyeongjun will be there,” Seongmin says, watching Minhee’s hands as they crack a new egg in the still-hot pan. He’s gotten better at this. me trying to manifest minhee_chef_arc... woobin could use the help. also i can't imagine that ALL of their late night snacks are delivery!!
Minhee’s eyes cut over to his. “And you’ll let him back you up?”
Seongmin blinks. “I mean,” he says, “that’s how it works, isn’t it?”
“Only if you let it,” Minhee says. “At the end of the day, it’s you up there.”
Seongmin sits in that for a moment. He’s right, but it’s nothing that Seongmin doesn’t know already. If he were to rely on Hyeongjun—would it even matter?
“Are you going to do something fun?” Minhee continues, flipping the egg, ramen noodles somehow already in the pot. “Maybe something by WJSN?”
Nice to know that that’s all Minhee thinks he’d be able to do, but, no—it’s a valid assumption, the same one Seongmin himself had when the stages were announced. another assumption like the one he had about hyeongjun immediately leaving because he couldn't stand being around him. seongmin assumes, and he realizes it's unkind, but the assumption still doesn't quite leave. Might be the same one Hyeongjun has, too, if he had bothered to ask.
Seongmin must be quiet for too long, because Minhee continues again, a little more cautiously: “Or something else?”
I haven’t really thought about it, Seongmin almost says, a replay of his earlier conversation. But he has. And it’s just Minhee.
“Do you remember that karaoke segment we did, a while ago?” Seongmin starts, still watching Minhee’s hands as he finishes making Seongmin’s food, adding ingredients he didn’t even know they had in their fridge. Making a meal just for him, one that Minhee himself won’t even touch. “I don’t remember the name. Some live web show?”
“Maybe,” Minhee says. “What did you sing?”
“Breathe,” Seongmin says, somehow nervous again just at the memory, which is almost horrifically embarrassing. “Lee Hi.”
“Oh,” Minhee says. “Yeah. Of course I remember.”
Of course he remembers. does seongmin assume he remembers because of how bad he thinks the cover was? is seongmin acknowledging how much disproportionate attention minhee pays to him? something else? i like when lines mean multiple things!!! “Yeah,” Seongmin says. “I, uh. I want to do that again. But maybe not terribly, this time.”
Minhee’s dark eyebrows furrow. can you tell i pay a lot of attention to minhee's eyebrows? “It wasn’t terrible,” he says, leaving the finished bowl of ramen on the counter and turning to properly face Seongmin. “Don’t say that.”
It was, a little bit, but Seongmin won’t lie and say it’s not nice to hear. “You’re biased,” Seongmin says, looking at the slight downturn of Minhee’s mouth. He is being honest, then. If there’s one thing about Minhee’s face, it’s that these tiny, minute expressions prevent him from lying completely. If you’re looking. can you tell i pay a lot of attention to minhee PERIOD?
“And if I am?” Minhee says. “Are you really complaining?”
Seongmin involuntarily lets out a breath of air. He knows that Minhee...well. He knows. But the knowing doesn’t make it any less of an experience to hear. He knows, but he still doesn’t know what to do with it. this could also mean a lot of things, but in my head seongmin knows that minhee has some extent of feelings for him, but he also has no idea what to do with what he perceives as minhee's ambiguous relationship with hyeongjun.
Minhee brings the bowl to the table and gestures for Seongmin to sit down. Minhee, of course, doesn’t leave, the space in front of him empty. He’ll stay until Seongmin finishes, and sometimes even after that. It feels like there’s a lump in Seongmin’s throat, suddenly, being provided these kindnesses and having nothing to give in return. this is canon, to me.
“No, I’m not,” Seongmin says, sitting down to eat. “What would I have to complain about?”
-
The next day, Hyeongjun responds: “Oh, you want to do a ballad?” to Seongmin’s tentative suggestion, sounding surprised. Seongmin feels too warm, the two of them crammed together in one of the vocal practice rooms. Okay, not crammed. Spiritually crammed.
“Yeah,” Seongmin says, willing his voice to sound like a statement instead of a question. But maybe he shouldn’t force it—if Hyeongjun wants to do something fun instead, maybe the easy way out would be for the best.
“Alright,” Hyeongjun says, easily. That’s it? “Don’t let me drag you down, though.”
“Don’t say that,” Seongmin says automatically, echoing Minhee from last night. “Um. You should have confidence, or something.”
“Okay, Seongmin-ah,” Hyeongjun says, looking amused. God. There’s really nothing Seongmin hates more than being patronized. He realizes that his behavior isn’t particularly conducive to this. Two things can be true. seongmin also loves taking things personally. “Do you want to start practicing, then?”
Already? “So you’re really okay with Breathe?” Seongmin asks, trying to stall. He really thought this part would take longer. He already ran it by their manager, who said he’d tell the higher-ups once they got everything settled.
“Yeah,” Hyeongjun says. He’s sitting on the tiny couch while Seongmin takes the chair at the desk, limbs sprawled everywhere, right leg almost reaching Seongmin’s. Seongmin forgets sometimes, that Hyeongjun is a good five centimeters taller than him. Halfway between me and Minhee, his brain supplies, for no reason. (bonks you over the head with a metaphor) “Should I pull it up?”
“I’m, ah, I’m not ready yet,” Seongmin says, looking at the toe of Hyeongjun’s shoe where it rests a centimeter away from his, not touching. (bonks you over the head with another metaphor)
“Well, we’re not about to go on stage or anything,” Hyeongjun says. “Let’s just see where we’re at.”
I don’t want you to see where I’m at, Seongmin thinks. I don’t have anything to show.
Seongmin says, “No, I—I want to practice by myself first.” He looks up from the floor and finds Hyeongjun already looking at him.
“Really?” Hyeongjun asks.
Seongmin doesn’t know why this is such a big deal. Why he can’t just half-heartedly sing the intro and be done with it, and why Hyeongjun won’t just let him be. Minhee would, but he would also never have pushed him this hard in the first place. God, why does his brain keep—
“Listen,” Hyeongjun says, drawing Seongmin’s attention back to him, “I know you don’t like me very much.” He says it just slow enough to set Seongmin’s teeth on edge. “But I’m not going to laugh at you if your voice cracks. Or whatever it is you’re thinking.” hyeongjun genuinely isn't trying to be mean here—but he's annoyed, and he doesn't know how to make seongmin relax. seongmin takes it the wrong way because he's seongmin.
What the fuck. Why would his voice crack? “My voice isn’t going to crack. You realize I’m not twelve years old, right?”
“I didn’t—hey, Seongmin, come on,” Hyeongjun says, whining a little now, which is such a tonal shift from what he just said that it freaks Seongmin out even more. i think hyeongjun is really good at these tonal shifts, where seongmin has a hard time adjusting to any sort of quick change... i think he views it as ingenuine, which is why i/he mentions what he perceives as minhee's genuineness in both the previous and the next sections. “Why are you acting like this?”
“Acting like what?” Seongmin asks.
“Like a—“ Hyeongjun starts, before cutting himself off. Seongmin’s head fills with possibilities for what Hyeongjun stopped himself from saying, each one nastier than the last. Like a baby. Like a brat. Like a bitch. not important but this bit made me laugh irl when i wrote it. i think it's too real LOL
“It’s fine,” Seongmin says, voice wavering like a child. Jesus. It’s like his body will never stop betraying him. “You can say whatever.”
“I don’t have anything to say,” Hyeongjun says, and it’s like Seongmin’s hearing his own voice.
-
When Hyeongjun leaves, soon after, Seongmin moves to the couch where hyeongjun was sitting before!, sprawls out. He opens up Melon and plays the song. Sings, with no one listening, not even himself.
-
“Why does Hyeongjun-hyung hate me?” Seongmin asks later, sitting next to Wonjin while they wait for Jungmo to leave the bathroom—Seongmin so he can shower, Wonjin for whatever reason that Seongmin doesn’t need to know about. agenda of course added for the moguhamists.
Wonjin doesn’t even look up from his phone. “Hyeongjunnie?” he says. “Are you being serious? I don’t think it’s possible for him to hate anyone.”
Seongmin makes a noise, simultaneously glad and peeved that Wonjin isn’t taking him seriously. A little run-through for the conversation he’s inevitably going to have tonight. “Okay,” he says, and something must leak out of those two syllables because Wonjin actually puts his phone down and looks at him.
Way more gently than he needs to, Wonjin asks, “Did something happen?” and Seongmin immediately regrets saying anything.
“No,” Seongmin says, getting up. “Nevermind. Have fun with Jungmo.” ahn seongmin will do this and then cry over how grateful to wonjin he is... smh.
-
The thing is, Minhee’s definitely going to ask him how it went with Hyeongjun. Seongmin considers lying before the horrific thought that Hyeongjun might have already told him enters his mind. Getting caught in a lie is probably more embarrassing than a revealing truth, but only slightly.
Woobin’s out late, likely doing another voice-only Vlive, so Seongmin can’t even use his presence as an excuse to feign shyness. All signs point to telling the truth, which he’s gotten better at, but it’s not easy when the truth itself is something he can’t even look in the eye. When Minhee’s going to ask him Why? and Seongmin’s going to have to say I don’t know and mean it.
Seongmin’s already lying down when the door clicks open. Minhee’s unmistakable figure slips through, backlit by the hallway light; but when he closes the door, it’s dark again.
“Seongmin-ah,” he whispers, “are you sleeping?”
There’s an out if he’s ever seen one. But—ah. He does want to be with Minhee for a while, even if he’d never admit it out loud. He makes a noise in reply.
“Is that a ‘no, come here’ or a ‘yes, go away’?” Minhee asks. Seongmin can hear the smile in his voice.
“What do you think?” Seongmin mumbles. The blankets shift, carefully, and Minhee crawls in, careful to stay a couple centimeters away. No matter how often they do this, the start is always characterized by that feeling, that tentativeness.
“You hungry?” Minhee asks after a moment. He always asks that, too. He hasn’t said anything, but Seongmin’s pretty sure it has something to do with his family, with the way his siblings were. Are. It makes Minhee feel good, Seongmin knows, to look after. To provide. nothing like some family tinhatting Am I Right? i'd feel bad if minhee wasn't the one airing out his brother's business himself on vlive dot tv. (Not that Minhee doesn’t need some looking after himself—his inability to wake up, to pack his own bags. Seongmin doesn’t mind returning the favor, when he can.)
Seongmin’s not hungry, though. “No,” he says, shifting onto his side and facing Minhee. With the way they’re laying, Seongmin ends up with Minhee’s jaw and neck filling the entirety of his line of sight. Seongmin looks at the familiar slope, the small freckles there. “Are you?” Seongmin asks, even though he knows the answer.
“I’m good,” Minhee says. No matter which way Seongmin answers, Minhee’s is always the same. It used to worry him, even though Seongmin would obviously never say anything. He knows it’s just the way he works, but Seongmin thinks Minhee could stand to be a little bit more greedy, in a lot of ways. (self-brag) i like this line :3
“Your friend made my life a little difficult today,” Seongmin says, despite the fact that an objective party would probably say it was the other way around. He shifts back a little so he can see Minhee’s face.
Minhee looks torn between amusement and disapproval. “My friend?”
“Oh, you know. Small. Kind of annoying,” Seongmin says. Likes you way too much, he stops himself from saying, thank God. seongmin that's literally you. (me realizing that as i wrote this, and thus i continued with:)
“Are you describing yourself?” Minhee asks, still disapproving, but clearly unable to stop himself from making his deeply unfunny joke.
“Ha ha,” Seongmin says. Minhee doesn’t actually think he’s—does he?
“Just kidding,” Minhee says, like he can hear him. “Really, though, you probably shouldn’t talk about him like that.”
Seongmin frowns involuntarily, the sudden judgment like a rock dropping to the pit of his stomach. Minhee doesn’t let him get away with everything, but, well. He kind of does. It’s frustratingly unsurprising that this is the exception.
“Why, are you going to tell him?” Seongmin asks, snappy like he always gets after any sort of criticism. honestly i feel like my seongmin pov is SO unkind and i realize it's a little bit exaggerated but i also really do think that seongmin is this difficult in his own head... but also it's fanfiction. but also it's REAL!!
Minhee sighs. “No,” he says. “I was just saying.”
Just saying. Minhee doesn’t just say anything, not like this.
A moment of silence, before Seongmin breaches the distance between them and touches his forehead to Minhee’s shoulder. It’ll be easier to say if he can’t see his face. “He doesn’t like me,” he whispers, unsure why it hurts to say. “You know that.” i like how easy to visualize this position is—it's also a way for seongmin to hide himself while he's being vulnerable.
Minhee doesn’t say anything, but Seongmin can feel his shoulder move with his breathing. Seongmin, for once, has no idea what he’s going to say. Another beat passes. Is he just not going to say anything? Seongmin asks, “Did you fall asleep?”
“No,” Minhee says. “I’m not sure how to say this.”
Well. There’s no way that’s prefacing anything good. “With your mouth, maybe?” Seongmin says.
Seongmin jolts when he feels Minhee’s hand tug on his ear, just hard enough to hurt a little. “Stop being smart with me,” he says, not unkindly, fingers still on his skin. markly voice dude they're flirting... He’s gently touching Seongmin’s earlobe when he says, “He’s like that because of you, you know,” and the dissonance between the soft touch and the sharp words makes Seongmin’s head spin.
“I haven’t done anything to him,” Seongmin says, clenching his jaw. Minhee’s still playing with his ear. Seongmin doesn’t know what to focus on. “He’s the one who treats me like…”
“Like?” Minhee asks, after Seongmin trails off.
Seongmin doesn’t know. “I don’t know,” he says. “Different from everyone else.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Well, he’s nice to everyone else,” Seongmin says, trying not to get upset. He presses his forehead more firmly to Minhee’s shoulder. “Everyone other than me, so—”
“He does treat you differently,” Minhee interrupts, hand now resting around the back of his neck. They can get pretty touchy, alone like this, but something about Minhee tonight is purposeful, where it’s usually mindless, instinctual. Seongmin doesn’t know if that’s just because he feels cornered. it is partly that, but minhee is also a little bit more on alert, considering the subject matter of their conversation. “But you are different.”
Seongmin involuntarily looks up, at that. Minhee’s hand stays firm on his neck. Seongmin wishes he knew whether to feel offended or not. And, well, when in doubt—
“Is that supposed to be a euphemism for something, or—?” #PRIDE :)
“God, Seongmin,” Minhee says, laughing a little. “It’s just a fact. No judgment intended.”
“Hm,” Seongmin says.
“You know that you’re—not the easiest person ever to approach. Sometimes I’m amazed that I can even do this,” Minhee says, tapping on the back of his head. It looks like he’s biting the inside of his cheeks. Seongmin thinks, You can do more. Thinks, I would let you.
“You did it. Wonjin-hyung did it. Jungmo-hyung, too,” Seongmin says. He even approaches Allen himself. you know i hated adding this but i had to. considering i didn't even give allen any speaking lines!!
“Hyeongjun’s different, too,” Minhee says. “Still not a euphemism,” he adds, before Seongmin can say anything. Seongmin almost laughs. “You realize you guys are pretty alike, right?”
Seongmin’s pretty sure he’s allowed to feel offended by that, but he has enough self-awareness not to argue. “Sure,” he says, instead of anything else.
Minhee looks like he heard everything anyway. “I’d like it if you guys were friends,” he says. “Or something.” His face is genuine. He’s never been anything else.
Or something, Seongmin thinks. Or something.
-
Early morning practice again. Seongmin wakes up first, same as always, extracts himself from Minhee’s octopus limbs. He can never wake Minhee up when they’ve slept in the same bed, because somehow half-asleep Minhee is the strongest person alive, and it’s not like Seongmin’s will to get up is that strong either. It’s best if he gets up quietly, and leaves the task to someone else. i feel like this has to be canon, too.
He doesn’t talk to anyone throughout the morning, puts his head down as they run through the concert setlist again and again. The songs don’t even sound like music anymore, but a few of them never really did in the first place. It’s all normal, except for the constant dread.
But then they disperse, and he watches Hyeongjun leave with Serim, and he thinks, What? Seongmin assumed they were going to be practicing again, but he guesses he never asked. And now all that dread was for nothing, until tomorrow, at least. Seongmin frowns and makes his way to the practice room they were in yesterday.
He passes Minhee and Woobin on the way, stopping to lean against the wall outside their room. Another thing that Seongmin thinks is cruel: they have two vocal teams, and only one consists of the two members who can actually sing. If they split them up in the opposite direction, he wouldn’t be having this problem, and God knows the stages would be more well-balanced. But he’s just an idol—what would he know? seongmin can also be a little cynical as a treat.
He feels a little creepy standing here, listening to the muffled sounds of Minhee and Woobin practicing their harmonies. They sound good, obviously, but Seongmin doesn’t know how much of that is inherent talent, and how much is their ability to simply exist with one another. They’ve known each other for years, longer even than Minhee and Hyeongjun, which already feels like a time-tested relationship that Seongmin could never touch.
Seongmin shakes his head and continues to one of the empty rooms.
He sits, fiddles with the cuff of his sweatshirt, looks around at the stillness. He thinks about what Minhee said. “You realize you guys are pretty alike, right?” Sure. Of course he does. But for all of the ways Minhee understands him, understands Hyeongjun, he doesn’t quite get this.
Minhee likes me, Seongmin thinks, rationally. Minhee likes Hyeongjun, too. Objectively. Therefore, Minhee doesn’t understand why they wouldn’t like each other. It’s understandable, but it’s also really fucking dumb. i feel like this is the root of the problem, and thus why i made it the ao3 summary.
But, really, it’s not even that they dislike each other. They just don’t know what to do with each other. Seongmin didn’t want to sing in front of Hyeongjun because he had no idea how he would react, and the thought terrified him. Hyeongjun doesn’t know him. They’ve lived together for two years, and it’s still the same. seongmin doesn't understand that to cultivate a relationship sometimes YOU have to do some of the work!
Could it be the maknae thing, also? If Seongmin wasn’t there, he knows, Hyeongjun would be the assigned youngest. (It would of course still be Taeyoung, officially, but everyone knows how self-sufficient he is. He’d be the youngest in number, only.) And it’s not like being the maknae is so great, but more than anything it’s easy, always knowing where you stand, what your role is. Hyeongjun would be better at it, but Seongmin’s grateful. He can’t imagine a life where he debuted later, ended up as leader. He probably would have given up before it came to that. and this is obviously a reference to soobin<3
But none of this self-reflection even matters if he still can’t sing. He’s just going to have to force himself, he knows. Sometimes the only way out is through.
-
After their second round of group practice, later in the day, Serim says to him: “Do you have a minute? It’s kind of important,” which was so sudden and anxiety-inducing that Seongmin almost said no. Not that he’s scared of Serim, but. Well.
Serim brings him to a private stretch of hallway and opens with, “So, how are you doing?” leaning with a hand on the wall, unintentionally trapping him. The cuffs on his t-shirt are tight around his arms. laughed when i added this line because seongmin is simply so gay for no reason. Seongmin answers, “Fine,” willing to let Serim drag this out as long as he wants. Serim’s never exactly been a “get-to-the-point” kind of guy.
After a couple more stilted questions and impassive answers, Serim hits him with: “Is there anything Hyeongjun can do to make this easier for you?” which makes Seongmin feel like an asshole, suddenly and incontrovertibly. Unfortunately, he also can’t stand the idea of Serim and Hyeongjun talking about him like he’s—the problem child, or something. And with these contradictory emotions, he doesn’t know how to answer in a way that makes sense, either. a lot of this scene is that horrible self-awareness yet his inability to do anything with it... but he's realizing that living like this is unsustainable, hence the previous "he's just going to have to force himself."
“No,” he says, which he realizes makes him sound like even more of an impossible brat, but it’s true. There’s nothing Hyeongjun can do, save for turning into a different person, and Seongmin’s pretty sure it’d sound worse if he said that instead. “It’s fine. I can do it.”
“Well, I just, I know that yesterday—”
“It can’t be that fun to gossip about me,” Seongmin says, suddenly aware that his ire does in fact outweigh his remorse. Or maybe he just has no other outlet for when he feels bad. Either way, Serim is outwardly frowning at him, now. “I was already handling it. You don’t have to do all of this.”
“I’m doing this because I’m supposed to take care of you guys,” Serim says. “And because Hyeongjun was upset, yesterday.”
Seongmin’s pretty sure he wouldn’t go to these lengths for just any member, but whatever. He supposes people are allowed to have their favorites. and this is for the selmsongists! “Well,” Seongmin says, not sure what he’s prefacing. “I have it under control. We’ll—we’ll try it again tonight.”
“Okay,” Serim says, pushing himself off the wall he was leaning against, clearly done with the conversation. “Make sure he knows that, will you?” He says, and smiles, and looks at Seongmin with something that could mean a million different things.
-
Another vocal practice room. Almost midnight. Take two.
Hyeongjun looks at him like he’s waiting for a bomb to go off.
Seongmin asks, tentatively, “Have you practiced any?” He can hear the faint buzz of the light over their heads. It’s not like these rooms have windows in the first place, but the atmosphere still feels different, so late.
“I was waiting for you,” Hyeongjun says, “so we could do it together.”
“Oh,” Seongmin says. “Thats…” Unnecessary? A surprise? A burden? “Nice,” he settles on.
“It’s nothing,” Hyeongjun says, looking at him with those big eyes. seongmin hates that he feels like he's entirely transparent to hyeongjun (hence, "those big eyes") yet seongmin's entirely unable to read him. also, another nod that seongmin is Looking at hyeongjun. “I’ll, uh, I’ll sing first?”
“Sure,” Seongmin says. Why is this so excruciating?
Hyeongjun’s sitting at the chair by the desk, this time. they've swapped places again. Seongmin watches as he loads up the song, small hands typing slowly. Seongmin waits patiently.
After another beat, the familiar notes fill the room. Seongmin waits for the original vocals to start, but they never come; instead, Hyeongjun starts singing over the instrumental. No backing vocals—just Hyeongjun and Seongmin and the space that surrounds them. Hyeongjun sharing a piece of himself and asking for nothing in return.
Hyeongjun has improved in the past year. Not that much, maybe, but it’s obvious to anyone who’s looking. He’s breathy, and he can’t go low enough in the intro, but there’s something there, a quality that keeps your attention. Seongmin’s looking at the floor as he listens, but he feels like he’s looking right at him. literally feel like i'm hitting people over the head with Looking and Being Seen as themes but!
Seongmin takes a deep breath. He could just let Hyeongjun keep going, knows that Hyeongjun isn’t holding his breath for any sort of response. But—he felt bad. He told Serim about it. He probably told Minhee about it. He’s here, singing a song that Seongmin chose. Seongmin doesn’t know what it means, but it’s something. And so: he counts the beat in his head, takes another breath, starts to sing the chorus right there along with Hyeongjun.
They’re completely off-key. It sounds horrible. It sounds real. Seongmin looks at his shaky hands and clenches them into fists.
When they both trail off after the first chorus, Seongmin still doesn’t look up. He doesn’t look up when Hyeongjun pauses the music, either. When Hyeongjun says, “Seongmin-ah,” uncharacteristically soft, he finally tilts his head upwards, catches his eye. “That sounded terrible.” i debated with how to end this scene for... a while, but this felt the most natural. i wish i had the energy to drag this fic out a little longer because i feel like the lemtang bits need more fleshing out but i do like how this scene wraps up.
And Seongmin can’t help himself—he laughs. Snorts, really, almost doubling over with the sudden force of it. A comment that usually would have made him bristle made hilarious by the absurdity of the entire situation. He wants to say something else, but he can’t stop laughing, face in his hands. God. What?
When he finally looks up, Hyeongjun is quiet, and he’s looking at Seongmin with an expression he can’t recognize. A sort of—quiet awe, which would make sense if the target was anyone other than himself. Seongmin blinks rapidly, trying to get his own expression under control. “Sorry,” he says, not sure what he’s apologizing for.
It looks like Hyeongjun finally shakes himself out of it, because his face morphs into something Seongmin recognizes: amusement, pleasure. The way he looks after he’s made someone laugh.
“Don’t be sorry,” Hyeongjun says. “I think that was a good start.”
-
And it does get better, thank God.
They have a vaguely humiliating lesson with one of the vocal teachers—she was nice, and they obviously appreciated the help, but it was clear that she didn’t understand why people of their vocal stature were trying to sing a ballad live in the first place. she's not wrong. this entire premise is kind of hilariously unrealistic but it's fine. They learn how to lower their tones properly, how to enter the chorus with confidence. They learn how to harmonize together in terms of key, but also like this:
“I got you an extra custard bread,” Hyeongjun will say, and Seongmin will swallow the immediate rebuff, reach out his hand and say “Thank you,” instead. It’ll be sweet, and Seongmin will still be able to taste it when he’s talking with Minhee, later, caught behind his teeth.
There’s something about forcing yourself into a situation that makes you realize, when you’re standing there in the middle of it, that you had no idea what you were getting yourself into. Both positive and negative interpretations apply, but somehow the scales here ended up tipping towards the former.
It’s not like how it was with Minhee. Seongmin doesn’t think anything could ever be. He also doesn’t think it comes as naturally to Hyeongjun, to bridge these gaps, but he’s the same, too. He tries to tell himself that it’s not all bad, if they’re the same, in these big and little ways. somewhat wrapped up but not exactly; ambiguous relationship territory that they're going to have to stay in for a while.
-
At the end of another day’s practice, the AC on full-blast in the late summer heat, Seongmin asks: “Do I sound okay, hyung?” He doesn’t know where the sudden need for approval came from, not from Hyeongjun of all people, and he also kind of feels like a suck-up, tacking on the honorific when he leaves it off half the time anyway, but—sometimes is better than never, isn’t it? i debated so much wrt how seongmin would address him because either option feels so loaded LOL so i went with hyung + some self-reflection.
While Seongmin is mentally kicking himself for sounding so needy, Hyeongjun looks up from his phone and squints. Says, “You’re a better singer than I am,” in that deadpan pout only he can pull off. “Don’t you know that?”
It’s like they’re unable to have a conversation without a comparison, either outright stated or hidden under subtext. sort of felt like this sentence was a bit too blunt but decided to keep it in anyway. Regardless: he can’t help but be a little pleased. No one on the planet is immune to praise, but still he might be weaker than most. Seongmin makes a noise, somewhere between a huff and a hum. An acknowledgment, almost. “So can I take that as a yes?”
“That’s what it was intended as,” Hyeongjun says. “Maybe it’s a good thing we were paired together, after all. I’m easy to beat!” He’s looking back down at his phone, but his hands aren’t moving. Seongmin can see the corner of all the stickers he has on the back, the ones that rotate too quickly for him to keep up with. this is a metaphor [3]
Seongmin doesn’t know how to respond. Casual self-deprecation is supposed to be his thing. It’s not as fun on the other end. i think seongmin being confronted with his own annoying personality traits in others is something that can be so personal.
And perhaps because he’s so mired in sudden self-reflection, the next thing that unintentionally comes out of his mouth is: “I know you would rather have been with Minhee.”
A beat. Hyeongjun puts his phone facedown next to him. He’s on the couch again today. swapped again! “Isn’t it Minhee-hyung to you?” Hyeongjun finally says, raising an eyebrow.
“Are you going to tell him?” Seongmin asks, hearing himself from a few days ago. Not that Minhee would care.
“Yeah,” Hyeongjun says, “when he asks me for his daily Seongmin update I’m going to say that you were very disrespectful.” He smiles a little. “More than usual.”
“When he asks you for what?” Seongmin says, aware that Hyeongjun still hasn’t acknowledged his previous comment, but needing to ask anyway. He’s joking, right?
“I’m joking,” Hyeongjun says. He adds, “Why would he ask me when he talks to you more, anyway?”
Seongmin supposes that’s true, though he also wouldn’t have been that surprised if Hyeongjun told him the opposite. The interpersonal relationships of others don’t matter to him much, but this one is a little different, for obvious reasons.
“Because you guys are…” Seongmin starts, without thinking about how he’s going to end that particular sentence. He looks at the goosebumps on his forearms and wonders why he turned the air on so high.
Hyeongjun is just looking at him, waiting for him to finish. Seongmin wonders if he ever looks like that, too, if his eyes have that same unbreachable depth.
“You know,” Seongmin says. Fuck. Is he supposed to just say it? i also debated with swearing in his internal monologue for a bit but idc you can't tell me he WOULDN'T.
“I really don’t,” Hyeongjun says. Seongmin really truly can’t tell if Hyeongjun’s being difficult on purpose. yeah he totally is.
“Your,” Seongmin starts, “your thing.”
“Our thing,” Hyeongjun repeats.
He has to be doing this on purpose.
“You know,” Seongmin says, getting irrationally annoyed. The reason Minhee won’t—you know, that thing?
And Seongmin swears he can see amusement in Hyeongjun’s expression when he says, “I think you should talk to him.”
-
Seongmin tries to talk to him first. He swears.
The problem is, when he waits for Minhee to come to bed that night, he never shows up. When Seongmin checks the main room, the only people there are Woobin, Wonjin, and Taeyoung, i had originally just had wonjin & taeyoung but then realized i needed to banish woobin somewhere again :smiling_face_with_tear: sorry to that man. and Seongmin manages to evade disaster and quickly escape before any of them see him. He even pops his head in the other rooms and gets a weird look from Serim for his efforts. He’s pretty unfamiliar with the feeling of seeking another person out. He’s not particularly a fan.
When he ends up at the end of the hallway, past the storage rooms, he heard a muffled voice. That’s—oh. The balcony. (If you can even call it that. It’s more of a fire escape that goes nowhere.) Seongmin’s never seen anyone out here before, but he doubts he would know even if it was the hottest spot in the entire dorm. seongmin would totally do that riverdale jughead monologue like I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. Have you ever seen me without this stupid h
It must be Minhee, Seongmin thinks, considering he was nowhere else to be found. He goes to push open the door, to ask him what the hell he’s doing out there, when he hears: himself. Singing. The tinniness of a phone recording unmistakeable. Seongmin immediately feels shock, but it quickly morphs into embarrassment. It’s Breathe, and there’s no one else who would have been able to take it other than—
“It sounds good, right?” Hyeongjun says. Ah. They’re together, then. Outside on the fire escape. Listening to Seongmin sing.
“Yeah,” Minhee says, and Seongmin has to strain his ears to hear him. He should probably leave, right? “You guys sound good together.”
“You think so?” Hyeongjun says. It’s hard to parse his tone, over the music and through the door, but Seongmin thinks he sounds pleased. “I guess it would be the perfect duo for you.”
Seongmin doesn’t know what that’s supposed to mean. Laughing a little, Minhee says, “Shut up, Hyeongjun-ah.” After a second: “I’m just glad that you guys got things figured out.”
“It was an ordeal,” Hyeongjun says. For me, too, Seongmin thinks, about to turn around and leave, and then Hyeongjun follows that up with: “But I guess I can see why you like him.”
Does that mean—no. What? And Seongmin can’t even hear what Minhee says in response because his stupid singing voice is too loud. i think this line is simultaneously pretty funny and also worked as a good cop-out cuz i had no idea what i wanted minhee to say in reply!
And then Hyeongjun says, presumably in reply to whatever Minhee said, “Well, my type is a little bit more.” He pauses. “You know.”
“Tall?” Minhee asks.
“No,” Hyeongjun says. “No. You’re so annoying.”
They laugh. Seongmin shouldn’t be here.
“It’s just the precedent, and all,” Minhee says. “But maybe you’d want to do it differently, next time?”
“Are you trying to ask me if I have regrets right now?” Hyeongjun asks. Seongmin really shouldn’t be here.
“No,” Minhee says. “But you—you don’t, right?”
“Kang Minhee,” Hyeongjun says, voice taking on a quality Seongmin’s never heard before. “No. I don’t.”
Seongmin leaves, after that. this entire conversation is like—well it's ambiguous on purpose. i had sort of figured out what i wanted to do at this point but then i also wanted to keep it somewhat open-ended aka hyeongjun and minhee not necessarily together (anymore) (for miniz purposes) but also not UNwilling to make things work (in the future) (for ot3 purposes). you get it.
-
But Minhee finds him later anyway.
It couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes later when Minhee opens their bedroom door, leans his knee on the edge of Seongmin’s bed, asks him if he’s sleeping. They do this all the time; it’s not an event. Seongmin’s nerves clearly didn’t get the memo.
“Everything okay, today?” Minhee asks, after a few moments of silence. His hands brush Seongmin’s arm as he makes himself comfortable. They’re colder than usual. He must have just come in from outside.
“Yeah,” Seongmin says. “Your hands are cold.”
“Oh,” Minhee says. “Sorry.” He looks at them, then back at Seongmin. Smiles. “Will you warm them up for me?” dude they're flirting [2]
Seongmin will, of course. “If I must,” he says, grabbing them when Minhee suddenly shakes them in front of his face, making him flinch back. “They make hand warmers for this, you know.”
“You’re the one complaining about the temperature,” Minhee says, letting his hands be maneuvered. They’re facing each other, watching Seongmin’s hands as he moves from vigorous to what could almost be construed as gentle. “Sometimes you have to change things yourself.”
“Be the change you want to see in the world?” Seongmin says.
“Yeah.”
Seongmin thinks about the change he wants to see. He says, “Why were your hands so cold?”
“I was outside,” Minhee says. “With Hyeongjun.” Seongmin likes how Minhee will always tell him the truth, when he asks. He just has to ask. back to our theme.
Seongmin almost says, What were you doing? before he thinks, No. Let me be honest, too.
“I heard you guys,” Seongmin says, and Minhee’s eyebrows do something funny.
“What were you doing over there?” Minhee says, and his hands seem to clench involuntarily in Seongmin’s.
Seongmin swallows and says, “I was looking for you.”
“I guess you found me,” Minhee says. “But you didn’t—”
“You seemed busy,” Seongmin says, trying not to inflect any judgment in his tone. “So. The perfect duo for you?”
“Yeah,” Minhee says. “It is. I don’t know if you heard me, but—you guys sound great. Really.”
Hmm. seongmin thinks better of fighting the compliment, decides to keep flirting instead. “I’m just going to call you biased again,” Seongmin says.
“My fatal flaw,” Minhee says. His hands are warm, now. Still neither of them let go.
“Can I ask you something?” Seongmin says.
Minhee nods. He’s biting his cheek again.
Seongmin considers. Minhee’s not going to give him any answers unless he asks for them. But maybe he shouldn’t ask, outright.
“Can you tell me about you and Hyeongjun?” Seongmin asks.
Minhee blinks a few times. “As in—?”
“As in whatever you want to say,” Seongmin says. “I just—I’d like to know.”
Asking like this is excruciating, of course, but Seongmin’s pretty sure the uncertainty would kill him faster. There’s also something about these late nights with Minhee that make him feel like he can say anything, despite how unbearably cliche that sounds.
Minhee rolls to lay on his back, taking both of Seongmin’s hands with him. He holds them together in one of his, rests them on his chest. “We only had each other, for a while,” he says. “Me and Hyeongjun.”
The reference to that era of their lives always makes Seongmin’s throat hurt a little bit, a weird sense of having missed out on something important, something that could never be made up for.
“Yeah,” Seongmin says. He thinks about saying sorry, but he’s not. He doesn’t know where he’d be if things ended up the way they were supposed to. i definitely wouldn't be here writing ridiculous minizsong triangulation fic, that's for sure.
“We were together,” Minhee suddenly says, and when Seongmin snaps his head over to look at him, he’s looking up at the ceiling, jaw a little tense. “I guess. We didn’t really talk about it, but it—it was.”
“Oh,” Seongmin says. Past tense. Seongmin quickly tries to rearrange pieces of crucial information in his head while Minhee rambles.
“It’s still—I mean. We’re good, great, it’s just,” Minhee says, “there’s a reason they tell you not to date your bandmates, you know?” minhee's explanation here is also purposefully vague for possible ot3 purposes.
Seongmin doesn’t know who they is, considering no one’s ever told him that, but he supposes the advice is sound. But does that mean—?
“Not that I—” Minhee cuts himself off. His voice always sounds lower, at night. Or maybe it’s the fact that there’s nothing else for Seongmin to focus on besides his voice, his hands, his warmth.
A moment passes. A complete sentence doesn’t seem to be forthcoming, so Seongmin prompts: “Not that you…?”
“Not that I would let that stop me,” Minhee says. He breathes a laugh. “Clearly.”
Seongmin extracts one of his hands from Minhee’s hold, propping himself up on an elbow. He looks down at Minhee but Minhee won’t look back at him.
“Hyung,” Seongmin says. “Minhee.”
“Seongmin,” Minhee says, thumb mindlessly moving over the hand he’s still holding. Still not looking.
“Can you look at me?” Seongmin says, and Minhee does, of course he does. of course he does. all he has to do is ask.
“I want to tell you something,” Seongmin continues, heart beating like a bird stuck in a cage. “Can I?”
“Yes,” Minhee says, immediately. He turns on his side, mirroring Seongmin’s pose, their hands between them.
“I think me and Hyeongjun are friends now,” Seongmin says. “Or something.” the "or something" callback!
“Oh,” Minhee says, looking a little caught off guard. “That’s good.”
“It is,” Seongmin says. Here we go. “Do you know why we weren’t, before?”
“No,” Minhee says. “Not really.”
“I started to feel like—like I was looking at myself,” Seongmin says. “But better.” Seongmin tries very hard not to hate himself as the words come out. “I didn’t know why I couldn’t just—be like that. An easier person.” A better person, he thinks, but doesn’t say.
Minhee’s concerned eyebrows are back out, in full force, but Seongmin isn’t finished.
“And he,” Seongmin bites his lip, forces the words out. Almost there. “He had you.”
A flash of Minhee’s teeth as his mouth drops open, slightly.
“So,” Seongmin says, holding onto Minhee’s hand more tightly, so his shaking won’t be as obvious. “I have one more question—”
“Yes,” Minhee interrupts. “Yes.” i wanted to do this because, well, sometimes you don't have to ask. sometimes it's obvious.
What? “I didn’t even say—”
“I know what you’re going to say. My answer’s yes,” Minhee says. He’s holding on to Seongmin’s hand with the same force. “And you’re not the lesser version of anyone else.” me reading this again realizing how much renjun_lesser_version_of_haechan clearly affected me LMAO
Seongmin makes a face. “It’s not necessarily a bad thing—”
“But you’re not,” Minhee says. They’ve been laying on the same pillow but Minhee gets so close that their foreheads are almost touching. “Okay?”
Seongmin takes a breath, embarrassed at how shuddery it comes out. “Okay,” he says.
Minhee looks appeased, though Seongmin knows it’s not the last time he’s going to be hearing about this. His eyes are still roaming over Seongmin’s face. “Is it my turn to ask you something?”
“I guess,” Seongmin says, acting annoyed even though he’s scared shitless, still.
“I want to kiss you,” Minhee says, eyes wide. “Can I?”
Seongmin inhales, says, “Yes.” Moves closer, so Minhee barely has to bridge any gap at all.
Their lips touch, and Seongmin thinks, Maybe there’s something to be said about asking for what you want. Something about asking, something about finally receiving. i simultaneously think this scene is pretty romantic and like unbearably cringe but i feel like that about most confession scenes BUT. i think the themes tied together pretty well in the end!
-
Before they finally go on stage, while Seongmin’s freaking out despite how newly well-adjusted he is, Hyeongjun pulls him aside and says: “I’m glad we did this.”
“It’s not like we had a choice,” Seongmin says, unintentionally snappy due to nerves. “Sorry, I—”
But Hyeongjun just laughs. Smacks his arm, without any force. “Still! Don’t you think we’ve come a long way?”
They’re in the same outfit, different colors. it's about MIRRORS it's about FOILS it's about PARALLELS. Seongmin looks at his reflection in Hyeongjun’s bright eyes and thinks, Yes.
Says: “There’s still a ways to go.” Smiles. “Don’t you think?” and it's about the AMBIGUOUS OT3 SEQUELBAIT THAT I WON'T WRITE!!!<3
Seongmin walks out of the conference room last.
And later, Seongmin tentatively says to their manager: “Cover stages, huh?” They’ve all already been briefed on the concept for their upcoming mini concert. It’s a good idea, not uncommon. The thing is, the way they’ve been split up—
“Don’t ask me if you can change your cover partner, Seongmin-ah,” their manager says. They’re standing in the company hallway because Seongmin followed him when he stepped out to order dinner.
“I wasn’t going to ask that,” Seongmin says, making a face, annoyed at his plan being thwarted without even getting to whine about it a little. Obviously he was going to ask that. i don't really have anything important to say yet but i wanted to say that i have a REALLY hard time incorporating humor into my writing and i don't think anyone really finds it funny, but i hateee reading humor that feels forced (i can't stand "crack" fic) especially if it's at the expense of the POV voice? like if your mc isn't funny then their inner monologue isn't going to be them cracking jokes. for someone like seongmin, he can be funny because his reactions are so—you know. to me, he has a really contradictory inner voice and that's where the humor can come in... obviously he was going to ask that!
“All you have to do is practice together a few times over the next couple weeks,” he says. “It won’t be that bad.”
Seongmin doesn’t think it’ll be that bad, but now he’s a little worried about the fact that their manager figured him out so quickly. It’s not like Seongmin is “best friends” with anyone in the group (or anyone in general, a voice in his head says), so it’s not like his relationship with Hyeongjun (or, perhaps, the lack thereof) should be sticking out that much. seongmin loves to play down his relationships with others, ie saying he has no friends at school despite much evidence to the contrary. But he’s been wrong before.
“No, I know,” Seongmin says, not sure if he does. “Yeah. Nevermind.”
-
A couple hours pass and they’re in the practice room, worn out after a second consecutive run-through of almost their entire setlist. Hyeongjun extremely conspicuously sprawls out right next to Seongmin on the floor, almost hitting him in the head with one of his arms. Seongmin almost doesn’t react, just to see how far Hyeongjun would go to get his attention without directly asking for it, but he’s too tired. He turns his head to the left and looks over.
Hyeongjun’s freshly dyed hair, black, is stuck to his forehead with sweat. trying to manifest my favorite hyeongjun hair color back. also trying to show that seongmin is very aware of how hyeongjun looks. He looks like he did before they debuted, but there’s something in his eyes that wasn’t there before. Seongmin doesn’t know what it is, if it even has a name.
“Hi,” Hyeongjun says, just a touch too loud. Ejected from his thoughts, Seongmin doesn’t flinch, but it’s a near thing.
“Hi,” Seongmin says.
Hyeongjun makes a series of minute expressions, too quick to decipher. “Do you want to, um, talk about our stage?”
Of course. What else would Hyeongjun have come over here for? “Right now?” Seongmin asks, trying to infuse the words with as much exhaustion as possible.
“I mean, we can just try to pick our song right now,” Hyeongjun says, rolling over on his stomach, cheek scrunched up where it’s laying on his forearm. Hair still wet, eyes still indecipherable. “Brainstorm a little.”
Seongmin has a couple ideas, one song in particular that he wants to do. He almost thought they were going to get coerced into a cutesy girl group cover, not that he or Hyeongjun would mind that much, nor would i! but one of the higher up concept directors specifically said: “This’ll be a good opportunity to show off how much your vocals have grown, don’t you think?” which felt like a cruel thing to say, but it’s not like she knows that Seongmin doesn’t think he’s improved in a year. He doesn’t know what Hyeongjun’s thinking. He’s not going to ask. the first nod to what i consider this fic's main "theme"—asking for what you want & showing enough of yourself to do so.
“I haven’t really thought about it,” Seongmin says, finally. When he turns his head to avoid whatever Hyeongjun’s reaction to that might be, he suddenly catches Minhee’s gaze in the huge practice room mirror. He’s sitting against the wall, and he quickly snaps his attention back to his phone once he’s noticed Seongmin noticing him. Seongmin almost smiles. a moment of familiarity in an unfamiliar situation.
“I’ll come up with something if you don’t want to,” Hyeongjun says, and Seongmin looks back. “Or we can just ask one of the staff to give us a song.”
“No, I’ll—I’ll think about it,” Seongmin says. He should probably say something else. “We can…reconvene tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Hyeongjun says, seemingly appeased. He unsticks his face from his arm and gets up with an amount of energy Seongmin can’t believe he still has, walking over to Serim and Wonjin like he can’t stand to be next to Seongmin for any longer than necessary. Maybe that’s an unkind assumption, but really—Seongmin blinked, and he was gone.
Seongmin turns, tries to find Minhee’s gaze again, but he doesn’t look up until their choreographer says: “Up! Let’s do it again!” and by then, it’s too late.
-
Seongmin knows he’s not a strong vocalist. It doesn’t keep him up at night—he’s self-aware enough to know that his other charms are numerous and people don’t really become fans just for talent anymore, right? That’s obvious. And it’s not like his fans fault him for the tremors that naturally come out when he sings, but how much of that exoneration is due to his age? Will it change when he turns twenty, is there a time limit for when he can be let off the hook not just for his singing but his personality, too?
Maybe it does keep him up at night. But only sometimes. this paragraph was the first thing i wrote for this fic! and i think it probably set the tone for my seongmin voice: contradictory, self-aware, a little bit more anxious than he lets on.
Tonight, Seongmin decides, there’s no chance of sleep until he reaches the point of true exhaustion. And instead of torturing himself in bed, he gets up to make himself something to eat, bare feet padding quietly as he checks the common area for the other members. Empty. Makes sense, after a practice like today’s.
Upon reaching the kitchen, he realizes that without the help of either of his roommates, making a proper meal would be more trouble than it’s worth. But he can make ramen by himself—he’s almost an adult, isn’t he? He’ll even make a fried egg to put on top, too.
With the water set to boil and the egg sizzling, Seongmin considers. He—okay. If the next few weeks are to be in any way bearable, he needs to get his act together. He doesn’t even dislike Hyeongjun. He couldn’t tell you why he acts the way he does. But the way Hyeongjun treats him sometimes feels so… i probably utilize the ~ambiguous trail-off~ more than i should but sometimes i enjoy letting the person reading decide for themselves :)
“Seongmin-ah?”
Ah. That voice could only be one person. It snaps him back to reality just in time for Seongmin to realize that his egg is burning. have i mentioned that seongmin is a little bit of an airhead?
“Is this what happens when no one’s here to cook for you?” Minhee says, reaching over him to turn the burner off. Seongmin swats away the (very minor!) amount of smoke and huffs.
“I can fry an egg,” Seongmin says, looking at the crispy remains in the pan. It’s definitely still edible; the question is whether his pride is worth an attempt to eat it. to me, this internal debate is so hilariously seongmin. At least he hadn’t put the noodles in yet, the water in the pot still boiling away. “I got distracted.”
Minhee hums, already dumping Seongmin’s hard work in the trash and rummaging around in the fridge. “Thinking about…?” Minhee trails off, like he doesn’t already know. Seongmin sighs. Minhee likes when he’s honest, and it really is obvious regardless.
“The cover,” Seongmin says. “I know you’ve done a ton, so it probably makes no sense, but—“
“It’s scary every time,” Minhee says, moving back to the counter, hands full. “And they haven’t even been live. It’s different from a regular performance. No one to back you up.”
“Hyeongjun will be there,” Seongmin says, watching Minhee’s hands as they crack a new egg in the still-hot pan. He’s gotten better at this. me trying to manifest minhee_chef_arc... woobin could use the help. also i can't imagine that ALL of their late night snacks are delivery!!
Minhee’s eyes cut over to his. “And you’ll let him back you up?”
Seongmin blinks. “I mean,” he says, “that’s how it works, isn’t it?”
“Only if you let it,” Minhee says. “At the end of the day, it’s you up there.”
Seongmin sits in that for a moment. He’s right, but it’s nothing that Seongmin doesn’t know already. If he were to rely on Hyeongjun—would it even matter?
“Are you going to do something fun?” Minhee continues, flipping the egg, ramen noodles somehow already in the pot. “Maybe something by WJSN?”
Nice to know that that’s all Minhee thinks he’d be able to do, but, no—it’s a valid assumption, the same one Seongmin himself had when the stages were announced. another assumption like the one he had about hyeongjun immediately leaving because he couldn't stand being around him. seongmin assumes, and he realizes it's unkind, but the assumption still doesn't quite leave. Might be the same one Hyeongjun has, too, if he had bothered to ask.
Seongmin must be quiet for too long, because Minhee continues again, a little more cautiously: “Or something else?”
I haven’t really thought about it, Seongmin almost says, a replay of his earlier conversation. But he has. And it’s just Minhee.
“Do you remember that karaoke segment we did, a while ago?” Seongmin starts, still watching Minhee’s hands as he finishes making Seongmin’s food, adding ingredients he didn’t even know they had in their fridge. Making a meal just for him, one that Minhee himself won’t even touch. “I don’t remember the name. Some live web show?”
“Maybe,” Minhee says. “What did you sing?”
“Breathe,” Seongmin says, somehow nervous again just at the memory, which is almost horrifically embarrassing. “Lee Hi.”
“Oh,” Minhee says. “Yeah. Of course I remember.”
Of course he remembers. does seongmin assume he remembers because of how bad he thinks the cover was? is seongmin acknowledging how much disproportionate attention minhee pays to him? something else? i like when lines mean multiple things!!! “Yeah,” Seongmin says. “I, uh. I want to do that again. But maybe not terribly, this time.”
Minhee’s dark eyebrows furrow. can you tell i pay a lot of attention to minhee's eyebrows? “It wasn’t terrible,” he says, leaving the finished bowl of ramen on the counter and turning to properly face Seongmin. “Don’t say that.”
It was, a little bit, but Seongmin won’t lie and say it’s not nice to hear. “You’re biased,” Seongmin says, looking at the slight downturn of Minhee’s mouth. He is being honest, then. If there’s one thing about Minhee’s face, it’s that these tiny, minute expressions prevent him from lying completely. If you’re looking. can you tell i pay a lot of attention to minhee PERIOD?
“And if I am?” Minhee says. “Are you really complaining?”
Seongmin involuntarily lets out a breath of air. He knows that Minhee...well. He knows. But the knowing doesn’t make it any less of an experience to hear. He knows, but he still doesn’t know what to do with it. this could also mean a lot of things, but in my head seongmin knows that minhee has some extent of feelings for him, but he also has no idea what to do with what he perceives as minhee's ambiguous relationship with hyeongjun.
Minhee brings the bowl to the table and gestures for Seongmin to sit down. Minhee, of course, doesn’t leave, the space in front of him empty. He’ll stay until Seongmin finishes, and sometimes even after that. It feels like there’s a lump in Seongmin’s throat, suddenly, being provided these kindnesses and having nothing to give in return. this is canon, to me.
“No, I’m not,” Seongmin says, sitting down to eat. “What would I have to complain about?”
-
The next day, Hyeongjun responds: “Oh, you want to do a ballad?” to Seongmin’s tentative suggestion, sounding surprised. Seongmin feels too warm, the two of them crammed together in one of the vocal practice rooms. Okay, not crammed. Spiritually crammed.
“Yeah,” Seongmin says, willing his voice to sound like a statement instead of a question. But maybe he shouldn’t force it—if Hyeongjun wants to do something fun instead, maybe the easy way out would be for the best.
“Alright,” Hyeongjun says, easily. That’s it? “Don’t let me drag you down, though.”
“Don’t say that,” Seongmin says automatically, echoing Minhee from last night. “Um. You should have confidence, or something.”
“Okay, Seongmin-ah,” Hyeongjun says, looking amused. God. There’s really nothing Seongmin hates more than being patronized. He realizes that his behavior isn’t particularly conducive to this. Two things can be true. seongmin also loves taking things personally. “Do you want to start practicing, then?”
Already? “So you’re really okay with Breathe?” Seongmin asks, trying to stall. He really thought this part would take longer. He already ran it by their manager, who said he’d tell the higher-ups once they got everything settled.
“Yeah,” Hyeongjun says. He’s sitting on the tiny couch while Seongmin takes the chair at the desk, limbs sprawled everywhere, right leg almost reaching Seongmin’s. Seongmin forgets sometimes, that Hyeongjun is a good five centimeters taller than him. Halfway between me and Minhee, his brain supplies, for no reason. (bonks you over the head with a metaphor) “Should I pull it up?”
“I’m, ah, I’m not ready yet,” Seongmin says, looking at the toe of Hyeongjun’s shoe where it rests a centimeter away from his, not touching. (bonks you over the head with another metaphor)
“Well, we’re not about to go on stage or anything,” Hyeongjun says. “Let’s just see where we’re at.”
I don’t want you to see where I’m at, Seongmin thinks. I don’t have anything to show.
Seongmin says, “No, I—I want to practice by myself first.” He looks up from the floor and finds Hyeongjun already looking at him.
“Really?” Hyeongjun asks.
Seongmin doesn’t know why this is such a big deal. Why he can’t just half-heartedly sing the intro and be done with it, and why Hyeongjun won’t just let him be. Minhee would, but he would also never have pushed him this hard in the first place. God, why does his brain keep—
“Listen,” Hyeongjun says, drawing Seongmin’s attention back to him, “I know you don’t like me very much.” He says it just slow enough to set Seongmin’s teeth on edge. “But I’m not going to laugh at you if your voice cracks. Or whatever it is you’re thinking.” hyeongjun genuinely isn't trying to be mean here—but he's annoyed, and he doesn't know how to make seongmin relax. seongmin takes it the wrong way because he's seongmin.
What the fuck. Why would his voice crack? “My voice isn’t going to crack. You realize I’m not twelve years old, right?”
“I didn’t—hey, Seongmin, come on,” Hyeongjun says, whining a little now, which is such a tonal shift from what he just said that it freaks Seongmin out even more. i think hyeongjun is really good at these tonal shifts, where seongmin has a hard time adjusting to any sort of quick change... i think he views it as ingenuine, which is why i/he mentions what he perceives as minhee's genuineness in both the previous and the next sections. “Why are you acting like this?”
“Acting like what?” Seongmin asks.
“Like a—“ Hyeongjun starts, before cutting himself off. Seongmin’s head fills with possibilities for what Hyeongjun stopped himself from saying, each one nastier than the last. Like a baby. Like a brat. Like a bitch. not important but this bit made me laugh irl when i wrote it. i think it's too real LOL
“It’s fine,” Seongmin says, voice wavering like a child. Jesus. It’s like his body will never stop betraying him. “You can say whatever.”
“I don’t have anything to say,” Hyeongjun says, and it’s like Seongmin’s hearing his own voice.
-
When Hyeongjun leaves, soon after, Seongmin moves to the couch where hyeongjun was sitting before!, sprawls out. He opens up Melon and plays the song. Sings, with no one listening, not even himself.
-
“Why does Hyeongjun-hyung hate me?” Seongmin asks later, sitting next to Wonjin while they wait for Jungmo to leave the bathroom—Seongmin so he can shower, Wonjin for whatever reason that Seongmin doesn’t need to know about. agenda of course added for the moguhamists.
Wonjin doesn’t even look up from his phone. “Hyeongjunnie?” he says. “Are you being serious? I don’t think it’s possible for him to hate anyone.”
Seongmin makes a noise, simultaneously glad and peeved that Wonjin isn’t taking him seriously. A little run-through for the conversation he’s inevitably going to have tonight. “Okay,” he says, and something must leak out of those two syllables because Wonjin actually puts his phone down and looks at him.
Way more gently than he needs to, Wonjin asks, “Did something happen?” and Seongmin immediately regrets saying anything.
“No,” Seongmin says, getting up. “Nevermind. Have fun with Jungmo.” ahn seongmin will do this and then cry over how grateful to wonjin he is... smh.
-
The thing is, Minhee’s definitely going to ask him how it went with Hyeongjun. Seongmin considers lying before the horrific thought that Hyeongjun might have already told him enters his mind. Getting caught in a lie is probably more embarrassing than a revealing truth, but only slightly.
Woobin’s out late, likely doing another voice-only Vlive, so Seongmin can’t even use his presence as an excuse to feign shyness. All signs point to telling the truth, which he’s gotten better at, but it’s not easy when the truth itself is something he can’t even look in the eye. When Minhee’s going to ask him Why? and Seongmin’s going to have to say I don’t know and mean it.
Seongmin’s already lying down when the door clicks open. Minhee’s unmistakable figure slips through, backlit by the hallway light; but when he closes the door, it’s dark again.
“Seongmin-ah,” he whispers, “are you sleeping?”
There’s an out if he’s ever seen one. But—ah. He does want to be with Minhee for a while, even if he’d never admit it out loud. He makes a noise in reply.
“Is that a ‘no, come here’ or a ‘yes, go away’?” Minhee asks. Seongmin can hear the smile in his voice.
“What do you think?” Seongmin mumbles. The blankets shift, carefully, and Minhee crawls in, careful to stay a couple centimeters away. No matter how often they do this, the start is always characterized by that feeling, that tentativeness.
“You hungry?” Minhee asks after a moment. He always asks that, too. He hasn’t said anything, but Seongmin’s pretty sure it has something to do with his family, with the way his siblings were. Are. It makes Minhee feel good, Seongmin knows, to look after. To provide. nothing like some family tinhatting Am I Right? i'd feel bad if minhee wasn't the one airing out his brother's business himself on vlive dot tv. (Not that Minhee doesn’t need some looking after himself—his inability to wake up, to pack his own bags. Seongmin doesn’t mind returning the favor, when he can.)
Seongmin’s not hungry, though. “No,” he says, shifting onto his side and facing Minhee. With the way they’re laying, Seongmin ends up with Minhee’s jaw and neck filling the entirety of his line of sight. Seongmin looks at the familiar slope, the small freckles there. “Are you?” Seongmin asks, even though he knows the answer.
“I’m good,” Minhee says. No matter which way Seongmin answers, Minhee’s is always the same. It used to worry him, even though Seongmin would obviously never say anything. He knows it’s just the way he works, but Seongmin thinks Minhee could stand to be a little bit more greedy, in a lot of ways. (self-brag) i like this line :3
“Your friend made my life a little difficult today,” Seongmin says, despite the fact that an objective party would probably say it was the other way around. He shifts back a little so he can see Minhee’s face.
Minhee looks torn between amusement and disapproval. “My friend?”
“Oh, you know. Small. Kind of annoying,” Seongmin says. Likes you way too much, he stops himself from saying, thank God. seongmin that's literally you. (me realizing that as i wrote this, and thus i continued with:)
“Are you describing yourself?” Minhee asks, still disapproving, but clearly unable to stop himself from making his deeply unfunny joke.
“Ha ha,” Seongmin says. Minhee doesn’t actually think he’s—does he?
“Just kidding,” Minhee says, like he can hear him. “Really, though, you probably shouldn’t talk about him like that.”
Seongmin frowns involuntarily, the sudden judgment like a rock dropping to the pit of his stomach. Minhee doesn’t let him get away with everything, but, well. He kind of does. It’s frustratingly unsurprising that this is the exception.
“Why, are you going to tell him?” Seongmin asks, snappy like he always gets after any sort of criticism. honestly i feel like my seongmin pov is SO unkind and i realize it's a little bit exaggerated but i also really do think that seongmin is this difficult in his own head... but also it's fanfiction. but also it's REAL!!
Minhee sighs. “No,” he says. “I was just saying.”
Just saying. Minhee doesn’t just say anything, not like this.
A moment of silence, before Seongmin breaches the distance between them and touches his forehead to Minhee’s shoulder. It’ll be easier to say if he can’t see his face. “He doesn’t like me,” he whispers, unsure why it hurts to say. “You know that.” i like how easy to visualize this position is—it's also a way for seongmin to hide himself while he's being vulnerable.
Minhee doesn’t say anything, but Seongmin can feel his shoulder move with his breathing. Seongmin, for once, has no idea what he’s going to say. Another beat passes. Is he just not going to say anything? Seongmin asks, “Did you fall asleep?”
“No,” Minhee says. “I’m not sure how to say this.”
Well. There’s no way that’s prefacing anything good. “With your mouth, maybe?” Seongmin says.
Seongmin jolts when he feels Minhee’s hand tug on his ear, just hard enough to hurt a little. “Stop being smart with me,” he says, not unkindly, fingers still on his skin. markly voice dude they're flirting... He’s gently touching Seongmin’s earlobe when he says, “He’s like that because of you, you know,” and the dissonance between the soft touch and the sharp words makes Seongmin’s head spin.
“I haven’t done anything to him,” Seongmin says, clenching his jaw. Minhee’s still playing with his ear. Seongmin doesn’t know what to focus on. “He’s the one who treats me like…”
“Like?” Minhee asks, after Seongmin trails off.
Seongmin doesn’t know. “I don’t know,” he says. “Different from everyone else.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Well, he’s nice to everyone else,” Seongmin says, trying not to get upset. He presses his forehead more firmly to Minhee’s shoulder. “Everyone other than me, so—”
“He does treat you differently,” Minhee interrupts, hand now resting around the back of his neck. They can get pretty touchy, alone like this, but something about Minhee tonight is purposeful, where it’s usually mindless, instinctual. Seongmin doesn’t know if that’s just because he feels cornered. it is partly that, but minhee is also a little bit more on alert, considering the subject matter of their conversation. “But you are different.”
Seongmin involuntarily looks up, at that. Minhee’s hand stays firm on his neck. Seongmin wishes he knew whether to feel offended or not. And, well, when in doubt—
“Is that supposed to be a euphemism for something, or—?” #PRIDE :)
“God, Seongmin,” Minhee says, laughing a little. “It’s just a fact. No judgment intended.”
“Hm,” Seongmin says.
“You know that you’re—not the easiest person ever to approach. Sometimes I’m amazed that I can even do this,” Minhee says, tapping on the back of his head. It looks like he’s biting the inside of his cheeks. Seongmin thinks, You can do more. Thinks, I would let you.
“You did it. Wonjin-hyung did it. Jungmo-hyung, too,” Seongmin says. He even approaches Allen himself. you know i hated adding this but i had to. considering i didn't even give allen any speaking lines!!
“Hyeongjun’s different, too,” Minhee says. “Still not a euphemism,” he adds, before Seongmin can say anything. Seongmin almost laughs. “You realize you guys are pretty alike, right?”
Seongmin’s pretty sure he’s allowed to feel offended by that, but he has enough self-awareness not to argue. “Sure,” he says, instead of anything else.
Minhee looks like he heard everything anyway. “I’d like it if you guys were friends,” he says. “Or something.” His face is genuine. He’s never been anything else.
Or something, Seongmin thinks. Or something.
-
Early morning practice again. Seongmin wakes up first, same as always, extracts himself from Minhee’s octopus limbs. He can never wake Minhee up when they’ve slept in the same bed, because somehow half-asleep Minhee is the strongest person alive, and it’s not like Seongmin’s will to get up is that strong either. It’s best if he gets up quietly, and leaves the task to someone else. i feel like this has to be canon, too.
He doesn’t talk to anyone throughout the morning, puts his head down as they run through the concert setlist again and again. The songs don’t even sound like music anymore, but a few of them never really did in the first place. It’s all normal, except for the constant dread.
But then they disperse, and he watches Hyeongjun leave with Serim, and he thinks, What? Seongmin assumed they were going to be practicing again, but he guesses he never asked. And now all that dread was for nothing, until tomorrow, at least. Seongmin frowns and makes his way to the practice room they were in yesterday.
He passes Minhee and Woobin on the way, stopping to lean against the wall outside their room. Another thing that Seongmin thinks is cruel: they have two vocal teams, and only one consists of the two members who can actually sing. If they split them up in the opposite direction, he wouldn’t be having this problem, and God knows the stages would be more well-balanced. But he’s just an idol—what would he know? seongmin can also be a little cynical as a treat.
He feels a little creepy standing here, listening to the muffled sounds of Minhee and Woobin practicing their harmonies. They sound good, obviously, but Seongmin doesn’t know how much of that is inherent talent, and how much is their ability to simply exist with one another. They’ve known each other for years, longer even than Minhee and Hyeongjun, which already feels like a time-tested relationship that Seongmin could never touch.
Seongmin shakes his head and continues to one of the empty rooms.
He sits, fiddles with the cuff of his sweatshirt, looks around at the stillness. He thinks about what Minhee said. “You realize you guys are pretty alike, right?” Sure. Of course he does. But for all of the ways Minhee understands him, understands Hyeongjun, he doesn’t quite get this.
Minhee likes me, Seongmin thinks, rationally. Minhee likes Hyeongjun, too. Objectively. Therefore, Minhee doesn’t understand why they wouldn’t like each other. It’s understandable, but it’s also really fucking dumb. i feel like this is the root of the problem, and thus why i made it the ao3 summary.
But, really, it’s not even that they dislike each other. They just don’t know what to do with each other. Seongmin didn’t want to sing in front of Hyeongjun because he had no idea how he would react, and the thought terrified him. Hyeongjun doesn’t know him. They’ve lived together for two years, and it’s still the same. seongmin doesn't understand that to cultivate a relationship sometimes YOU have to do some of the work!
Could it be the maknae thing, also? If Seongmin wasn’t there, he knows, Hyeongjun would be the assigned youngest. (It would of course still be Taeyoung, officially, but everyone knows how self-sufficient he is. He’d be the youngest in number, only.) And it’s not like being the maknae is so great, but more than anything it’s easy, always knowing where you stand, what your role is. Hyeongjun would be better at it, but Seongmin’s grateful. He can’t imagine a life where he debuted later, ended up as leader. He probably would have given up before it came to that. and this is obviously a reference to soobin<3
But none of this self-reflection even matters if he still can’t sing. He’s just going to have to force himself, he knows. Sometimes the only way out is through.
-
After their second round of group practice, later in the day, Serim says to him: “Do you have a minute? It’s kind of important,” which was so sudden and anxiety-inducing that Seongmin almost said no. Not that he’s scared of Serim, but. Well.
Serim brings him to a private stretch of hallway and opens with, “So, how are you doing?” leaning with a hand on the wall, unintentionally trapping him. The cuffs on his t-shirt are tight around his arms. laughed when i added this line because seongmin is simply so gay for no reason. Seongmin answers, “Fine,” willing to let Serim drag this out as long as he wants. Serim’s never exactly been a “get-to-the-point” kind of guy.
After a couple more stilted questions and impassive answers, Serim hits him with: “Is there anything Hyeongjun can do to make this easier for you?” which makes Seongmin feel like an asshole, suddenly and incontrovertibly. Unfortunately, he also can’t stand the idea of Serim and Hyeongjun talking about him like he’s—the problem child, or something. And with these contradictory emotions, he doesn’t know how to answer in a way that makes sense, either. a lot of this scene is that horrible self-awareness yet his inability to do anything with it... but he's realizing that living like this is unsustainable, hence the previous "he's just going to have to force himself."
“No,” he says, which he realizes makes him sound like even more of an impossible brat, but it’s true. There’s nothing Hyeongjun can do, save for turning into a different person, and Seongmin’s pretty sure it’d sound worse if he said that instead. “It’s fine. I can do it.”
“Well, I just, I know that yesterday—”
“It can’t be that fun to gossip about me,” Seongmin says, suddenly aware that his ire does in fact outweigh his remorse. Or maybe he just has no other outlet for when he feels bad. Either way, Serim is outwardly frowning at him, now. “I was already handling it. You don’t have to do all of this.”
“I’m doing this because I’m supposed to take care of you guys,” Serim says. “And because Hyeongjun was upset, yesterday.”
Seongmin’s pretty sure he wouldn’t go to these lengths for just any member, but whatever. He supposes people are allowed to have their favorites. and this is for the selmsongists! “Well,” Seongmin says, not sure what he’s prefacing. “I have it under control. We’ll—we’ll try it again tonight.”
“Okay,” Serim says, pushing himself off the wall he was leaning against, clearly done with the conversation. “Make sure he knows that, will you?” He says, and smiles, and looks at Seongmin with something that could mean a million different things.
-
Another vocal practice room. Almost midnight. Take two.
Hyeongjun looks at him like he’s waiting for a bomb to go off.
Seongmin asks, tentatively, “Have you practiced any?” He can hear the faint buzz of the light over their heads. It’s not like these rooms have windows in the first place, but the atmosphere still feels different, so late.
“I was waiting for you,” Hyeongjun says, “so we could do it together.”
“Oh,” Seongmin says. “Thats…” Unnecessary? A surprise? A burden? “Nice,” he settles on.
“It’s nothing,” Hyeongjun says, looking at him with those big eyes. seongmin hates that he feels like he's entirely transparent to hyeongjun (hence, "those big eyes") yet seongmin's entirely unable to read him. also, another nod that seongmin is Looking at hyeongjun. “I’ll, uh, I’ll sing first?”
“Sure,” Seongmin says. Why is this so excruciating?
Hyeongjun’s sitting at the chair by the desk, this time. they've swapped places again. Seongmin watches as he loads up the song, small hands typing slowly. Seongmin waits patiently.
After another beat, the familiar notes fill the room. Seongmin waits for the original vocals to start, but they never come; instead, Hyeongjun starts singing over the instrumental. No backing vocals—just Hyeongjun and Seongmin and the space that surrounds them. Hyeongjun sharing a piece of himself and asking for nothing in return.
Hyeongjun has improved in the past year. Not that much, maybe, but it’s obvious to anyone who’s looking. He’s breathy, and he can’t go low enough in the intro, but there’s something there, a quality that keeps your attention. Seongmin’s looking at the floor as he listens, but he feels like he’s looking right at him. literally feel like i'm hitting people over the head with Looking and Being Seen as themes but!
Seongmin takes a deep breath. He could just let Hyeongjun keep going, knows that Hyeongjun isn’t holding his breath for any sort of response. But—he felt bad. He told Serim about it. He probably told Minhee about it. He’s here, singing a song that Seongmin chose. Seongmin doesn’t know what it means, but it’s something. And so: he counts the beat in his head, takes another breath, starts to sing the chorus right there along with Hyeongjun.
They’re completely off-key. It sounds horrible. It sounds real. Seongmin looks at his shaky hands and clenches them into fists.
When they both trail off after the first chorus, Seongmin still doesn’t look up. He doesn’t look up when Hyeongjun pauses the music, either. When Hyeongjun says, “Seongmin-ah,” uncharacteristically soft, he finally tilts his head upwards, catches his eye. “That sounded terrible.” i debated with how to end this scene for... a while, but this felt the most natural. i wish i had the energy to drag this fic out a little longer because i feel like the lemtang bits need more fleshing out but i do like how this scene wraps up.
And Seongmin can’t help himself—he laughs. Snorts, really, almost doubling over with the sudden force of it. A comment that usually would have made him bristle made hilarious by the absurdity of the entire situation. He wants to say something else, but he can’t stop laughing, face in his hands. God. What?
When he finally looks up, Hyeongjun is quiet, and he’s looking at Seongmin with an expression he can’t recognize. A sort of—quiet awe, which would make sense if the target was anyone other than himself. Seongmin blinks rapidly, trying to get his own expression under control. “Sorry,” he says, not sure what he’s apologizing for.
It looks like Hyeongjun finally shakes himself out of it, because his face morphs into something Seongmin recognizes: amusement, pleasure. The way he looks after he’s made someone laugh.
“Don’t be sorry,” Hyeongjun says. “I think that was a good start.”
-
And it does get better, thank God.
They have a vaguely humiliating lesson with one of the vocal teachers—she was nice, and they obviously appreciated the help, but it was clear that she didn’t understand why people of their vocal stature were trying to sing a ballad live in the first place. she's not wrong. this entire premise is kind of hilariously unrealistic but it's fine. They learn how to lower their tones properly, how to enter the chorus with confidence. They learn how to harmonize together in terms of key, but also like this:
“I got you an extra custard bread,” Hyeongjun will say, and Seongmin will swallow the immediate rebuff, reach out his hand and say “Thank you,” instead. It’ll be sweet, and Seongmin will still be able to taste it when he’s talking with Minhee, later, caught behind his teeth.
There’s something about forcing yourself into a situation that makes you realize, when you’re standing there in the middle of it, that you had no idea what you were getting yourself into. Both positive and negative interpretations apply, but somehow the scales here ended up tipping towards the former.
It’s not like how it was with Minhee. Seongmin doesn’t think anything could ever be. He also doesn’t think it comes as naturally to Hyeongjun, to bridge these gaps, but he’s the same, too. He tries to tell himself that it’s not all bad, if they’re the same, in these big and little ways. somewhat wrapped up but not exactly; ambiguous relationship territory that they're going to have to stay in for a while.
-
At the end of another day’s practice, the AC on full-blast in the late summer heat, Seongmin asks: “Do I sound okay, hyung?” He doesn’t know where the sudden need for approval came from, not from Hyeongjun of all people, and he also kind of feels like a suck-up, tacking on the honorific when he leaves it off half the time anyway, but—sometimes is better than never, isn’t it? i debated so much wrt how seongmin would address him because either option feels so loaded LOL so i went with hyung + some self-reflection.
While Seongmin is mentally kicking himself for sounding so needy, Hyeongjun looks up from his phone and squints. Says, “You’re a better singer than I am,” in that deadpan pout only he can pull off. “Don’t you know that?”
It’s like they’re unable to have a conversation without a comparison, either outright stated or hidden under subtext. sort of felt like this sentence was a bit too blunt but decided to keep it in anyway. Regardless: he can’t help but be a little pleased. No one on the planet is immune to praise, but still he might be weaker than most. Seongmin makes a noise, somewhere between a huff and a hum. An acknowledgment, almost. “So can I take that as a yes?”
“That’s what it was intended as,” Hyeongjun says. “Maybe it’s a good thing we were paired together, after all. I’m easy to beat!” He’s looking back down at his phone, but his hands aren’t moving. Seongmin can see the corner of all the stickers he has on the back, the ones that rotate too quickly for him to keep up with. this is a metaphor [3]
Seongmin doesn’t know how to respond. Casual self-deprecation is supposed to be his thing. It’s not as fun on the other end. i think seongmin being confronted with his own annoying personality traits in others is something that can be so personal.
And perhaps because he’s so mired in sudden self-reflection, the next thing that unintentionally comes out of his mouth is: “I know you would rather have been with Minhee.”
A beat. Hyeongjun puts his phone facedown next to him. He’s on the couch again today. swapped again! “Isn’t it Minhee-hyung to you?” Hyeongjun finally says, raising an eyebrow.
“Are you going to tell him?” Seongmin asks, hearing himself from a few days ago. Not that Minhee would care.
“Yeah,” Hyeongjun says, “when he asks me for his daily Seongmin update I’m going to say that you were very disrespectful.” He smiles a little. “More than usual.”
“When he asks you for what?” Seongmin says, aware that Hyeongjun still hasn’t acknowledged his previous comment, but needing to ask anyway. He’s joking, right?
“I’m joking,” Hyeongjun says. He adds, “Why would he ask me when he talks to you more, anyway?”
Seongmin supposes that’s true, though he also wouldn’t have been that surprised if Hyeongjun told him the opposite. The interpersonal relationships of others don’t matter to him much, but this one is a little different, for obvious reasons.
“Because you guys are…” Seongmin starts, without thinking about how he’s going to end that particular sentence. He looks at the goosebumps on his forearms and wonders why he turned the air on so high.
Hyeongjun is just looking at him, waiting for him to finish. Seongmin wonders if he ever looks like that, too, if his eyes have that same unbreachable depth.
“You know,” Seongmin says. Fuck. Is he supposed to just say it? i also debated with swearing in his internal monologue for a bit but idc you can't tell me he WOULDN'T.
“I really don’t,” Hyeongjun says. Seongmin really truly can’t tell if Hyeongjun’s being difficult on purpose. yeah he totally is.
“Your,” Seongmin starts, “your thing.”
“Our thing,” Hyeongjun repeats.
He has to be doing this on purpose.
“You know,” Seongmin says, getting irrationally annoyed. The reason Minhee won’t—you know, that thing?
And Seongmin swears he can see amusement in Hyeongjun’s expression when he says, “I think you should talk to him.”
-
Seongmin tries to talk to him first. He swears.
The problem is, when he waits for Minhee to come to bed that night, he never shows up. When Seongmin checks the main room, the only people there are Woobin, Wonjin, and Taeyoung, i had originally just had wonjin & taeyoung but then realized i needed to banish woobin somewhere again :smiling_face_with_tear: sorry to that man. and Seongmin manages to evade disaster and quickly escape before any of them see him. He even pops his head in the other rooms and gets a weird look from Serim for his efforts. He’s pretty unfamiliar with the feeling of seeking another person out. He’s not particularly a fan.
When he ends up at the end of the hallway, past the storage rooms, he heard a muffled voice. That’s—oh. The balcony. (If you can even call it that. It’s more of a fire escape that goes nowhere.) Seongmin’s never seen anyone out here before, but he doubts he would know even if it was the hottest spot in the entire dorm. seongmin would totally do that riverdale jughead monologue like I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. Have you ever seen me without this stupid h
It must be Minhee, Seongmin thinks, considering he was nowhere else to be found. He goes to push open the door, to ask him what the hell he’s doing out there, when he hears: himself. Singing. The tinniness of a phone recording unmistakeable. Seongmin immediately feels shock, but it quickly morphs into embarrassment. It’s Breathe, and there’s no one else who would have been able to take it other than—
“It sounds good, right?” Hyeongjun says. Ah. They’re together, then. Outside on the fire escape. Listening to Seongmin sing.
“Yeah,” Minhee says, and Seongmin has to strain his ears to hear him. He should probably leave, right? “You guys sound good together.”
“You think so?” Hyeongjun says. It’s hard to parse his tone, over the music and through the door, but Seongmin thinks he sounds pleased. “I guess it would be the perfect duo for you.”
Seongmin doesn’t know what that’s supposed to mean. Laughing a little, Minhee says, “Shut up, Hyeongjun-ah.” After a second: “I’m just glad that you guys got things figured out.”
“It was an ordeal,” Hyeongjun says. For me, too, Seongmin thinks, about to turn around and leave, and then Hyeongjun follows that up with: “But I guess I can see why you like him.”
Does that mean—no. What? And Seongmin can’t even hear what Minhee says in response because his stupid singing voice is too loud. i think this line is simultaneously pretty funny and also worked as a good cop-out cuz i had no idea what i wanted minhee to say in reply!
And then Hyeongjun says, presumably in reply to whatever Minhee said, “Well, my type is a little bit more.” He pauses. “You know.”
“Tall?” Minhee asks.
“No,” Hyeongjun says. “No. You’re so annoying.”
They laugh. Seongmin shouldn’t be here.
“It’s just the precedent, and all,” Minhee says. “But maybe you’d want to do it differently, next time?”
“Are you trying to ask me if I have regrets right now?” Hyeongjun asks. Seongmin really shouldn’t be here.
“No,” Minhee says. “But you—you don’t, right?”
“Kang Minhee,” Hyeongjun says, voice taking on a quality Seongmin’s never heard before. “No. I don’t.”
Seongmin leaves, after that. this entire conversation is like—well it's ambiguous on purpose. i had sort of figured out what i wanted to do at this point but then i also wanted to keep it somewhat open-ended aka hyeongjun and minhee not necessarily together (anymore) (for miniz purposes) but also not UNwilling to make things work (in the future) (for ot3 purposes). you get it.
-
But Minhee finds him later anyway.
It couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes later when Minhee opens their bedroom door, leans his knee on the edge of Seongmin’s bed, asks him if he’s sleeping. They do this all the time; it’s not an event. Seongmin’s nerves clearly didn’t get the memo.
“Everything okay, today?” Minhee asks, after a few moments of silence. His hands brush Seongmin’s arm as he makes himself comfortable. They’re colder than usual. He must have just come in from outside.
“Yeah,” Seongmin says. “Your hands are cold.”
“Oh,” Minhee says. “Sorry.” He looks at them, then back at Seongmin. Smiles. “Will you warm them up for me?” dude they're flirting [2]
Seongmin will, of course. “If I must,” he says, grabbing them when Minhee suddenly shakes them in front of his face, making him flinch back. “They make hand warmers for this, you know.”
“You’re the one complaining about the temperature,” Minhee says, letting his hands be maneuvered. They’re facing each other, watching Seongmin’s hands as he moves from vigorous to what could almost be construed as gentle. “Sometimes you have to change things yourself.”
“Be the change you want to see in the world?” Seongmin says.
“Yeah.”
Seongmin thinks about the change he wants to see. He says, “Why were your hands so cold?”
“I was outside,” Minhee says. “With Hyeongjun.” Seongmin likes how Minhee will always tell him the truth, when he asks. He just has to ask. back to our theme.
Seongmin almost says, What were you doing? before he thinks, No. Let me be honest, too.
“I heard you guys,” Seongmin says, and Minhee’s eyebrows do something funny.
“What were you doing over there?” Minhee says, and his hands seem to clench involuntarily in Seongmin’s.
Seongmin swallows and says, “I was looking for you.”
“I guess you found me,” Minhee says. “But you didn’t—”
“You seemed busy,” Seongmin says, trying not to inflect any judgment in his tone. “So. The perfect duo for you?”
“Yeah,” Minhee says. “It is. I don’t know if you heard me, but—you guys sound great. Really.”
Hmm. seongmin thinks better of fighting the compliment, decides to keep flirting instead. “I’m just going to call you biased again,” Seongmin says.
“My fatal flaw,” Minhee says. His hands are warm, now. Still neither of them let go.
“Can I ask you something?” Seongmin says.
Minhee nods. He’s biting his cheek again.
Seongmin considers. Minhee’s not going to give him any answers unless he asks for them. But maybe he shouldn’t ask, outright.
“Can you tell me about you and Hyeongjun?” Seongmin asks.
Minhee blinks a few times. “As in—?”
“As in whatever you want to say,” Seongmin says. “I just—I’d like to know.”
Asking like this is excruciating, of course, but Seongmin’s pretty sure the uncertainty would kill him faster. There’s also something about these late nights with Minhee that make him feel like he can say anything, despite how unbearably cliche that sounds.
Minhee rolls to lay on his back, taking both of Seongmin’s hands with him. He holds them together in one of his, rests them on his chest. “We only had each other, for a while,” he says. “Me and Hyeongjun.”
The reference to that era of their lives always makes Seongmin’s throat hurt a little bit, a weird sense of having missed out on something important, something that could never be made up for.
“Yeah,” Seongmin says. He thinks about saying sorry, but he’s not. He doesn’t know where he’d be if things ended up the way they were supposed to. i definitely wouldn't be here writing ridiculous minizsong triangulation fic, that's for sure.
“We were together,” Minhee suddenly says, and when Seongmin snaps his head over to look at him, he’s looking up at the ceiling, jaw a little tense. “I guess. We didn’t really talk about it, but it—it was.”
“Oh,” Seongmin says. Past tense. Seongmin quickly tries to rearrange pieces of crucial information in his head while Minhee rambles.
“It’s still—I mean. We’re good, great, it’s just,” Minhee says, “there’s a reason they tell you not to date your bandmates, you know?” minhee's explanation here is also purposefully vague for possible ot3 purposes.
Seongmin doesn’t know who they is, considering no one’s ever told him that, but he supposes the advice is sound. But does that mean—?
“Not that I—” Minhee cuts himself off. His voice always sounds lower, at night. Or maybe it’s the fact that there’s nothing else for Seongmin to focus on besides his voice, his hands, his warmth.
A moment passes. A complete sentence doesn’t seem to be forthcoming, so Seongmin prompts: “Not that you…?”
“Not that I would let that stop me,” Minhee says. He breathes a laugh. “Clearly.”
Seongmin extracts one of his hands from Minhee’s hold, propping himself up on an elbow. He looks down at Minhee but Minhee won’t look back at him.
“Hyung,” Seongmin says. “Minhee.”
“Seongmin,” Minhee says, thumb mindlessly moving over the hand he’s still holding. Still not looking.
“Can you look at me?” Seongmin says, and Minhee does, of course he does. of course he does. all he has to do is ask.
“I want to tell you something,” Seongmin continues, heart beating like a bird stuck in a cage. “Can I?”
“Yes,” Minhee says, immediately. He turns on his side, mirroring Seongmin’s pose, their hands between them.
“I think me and Hyeongjun are friends now,” Seongmin says. “Or something.” the "or something" callback!
“Oh,” Minhee says, looking a little caught off guard. “That’s good.”
“It is,” Seongmin says. Here we go. “Do you know why we weren’t, before?”
“No,” Minhee says. “Not really.”
“I started to feel like—like I was looking at myself,” Seongmin says. “But better.” Seongmin tries very hard not to hate himself as the words come out. “I didn’t know why I couldn’t just—be like that. An easier person.” A better person, he thinks, but doesn’t say.
Minhee’s concerned eyebrows are back out, in full force, but Seongmin isn’t finished.
“And he,” Seongmin bites his lip, forces the words out. Almost there. “He had you.”
A flash of Minhee’s teeth as his mouth drops open, slightly.
“So,” Seongmin says, holding onto Minhee’s hand more tightly, so his shaking won’t be as obvious. “I have one more question—”
“Yes,” Minhee interrupts. “Yes.” i wanted to do this because, well, sometimes you don't have to ask. sometimes it's obvious.
What? “I didn’t even say—”
“I know what you’re going to say. My answer’s yes,” Minhee says. He’s holding on to Seongmin’s hand with the same force. “And you’re not the lesser version of anyone else.” me reading this again realizing how much renjun_lesser_version_of_haechan clearly affected me LMAO
Seongmin makes a face. “It’s not necessarily a bad thing—”
“But you’re not,” Minhee says. They’ve been laying on the same pillow but Minhee gets so close that their foreheads are almost touching. “Okay?”
Seongmin takes a breath, embarrassed at how shuddery it comes out. “Okay,” he says.
Minhee looks appeased, though Seongmin knows it’s not the last time he’s going to be hearing about this. His eyes are still roaming over Seongmin’s face. “Is it my turn to ask you something?”
“I guess,” Seongmin says, acting annoyed even though he’s scared shitless, still.
“I want to kiss you,” Minhee says, eyes wide. “Can I?”
Seongmin inhales, says, “Yes.” Moves closer, so Minhee barely has to bridge any gap at all.
Their lips touch, and Seongmin thinks, Maybe there’s something to be said about asking for what you want. Something about asking, something about finally receiving. i simultaneously think this scene is pretty romantic and like unbearably cringe but i feel like that about most confession scenes BUT. i think the themes tied together pretty well in the end!
-
Before they finally go on stage, while Seongmin’s freaking out despite how newly well-adjusted he is, Hyeongjun pulls him aside and says: “I’m glad we did this.”
“It’s not like we had a choice,” Seongmin says, unintentionally snappy due to nerves. “Sorry, I—”
But Hyeongjun just laughs. Smacks his arm, without any force. “Still! Don’t you think we’ve come a long way?”
They’re in the same outfit, different colors. it's about MIRRORS it's about FOILS it's about PARALLELS. Seongmin looks at his reflection in Hyeongjun’s bright eyes and thinks, Yes.
Says: “There’s still a ways to go.” Smiles. “Don’t you think?” and it's about the AMBIGUOUS OT3 SEQUELBAIT THAT I WON'T WRITE!!!<3
