'to finally be caught' director's commentary

[soobun]

(turns on elliott smith playlist and cracks knuckles) i’m sorry i don’t know why i have so much to say. this fic is not even 4k words and it’s essentially just one long scene but i put…well… a LOT of thought and ideas into it. and it was tough to reread because i’m not sure how much came through… T__T i will be doing director’s commentary because it brings me joy but i want to talk about a few things first. starting with the title! of course it is from the iconic elliott smith song ‘between the bars.’ and beyond the title i chose itself being extremely fitting, this whole bit is extremely wataei:

Waiting to finally be caught
Drink up one more time, and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

People you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

sooo fun cause it could be either pov truly!! but i think in terms of my fic it’s definitely more wataru→eichi, seeing as eichi’s main struggle is grappling with who he was (who he had to be?) in the past… and then wataru being the one to “keep them still,” the parts of eichi that he hates. and who better than wataru to do so, considering all of his experience with Roles and Playing A Part. this is such an important theme so i was very happy to be able to use such a fitting song :)

oh also quickly my other option for title was “nobody’s moral center” from dream girl evil by florence + the machine. hee. i’m sure i don’t have to explain

and then speaking of pov… i'll be brief (1/638) but no seriously whenever i nebulously thought of writing wataei i always assumed it would be eichi pov but once this vague idea came to me and i started writing i didnt even consider which pov i would pick. i just wrote the first paragraph and lo and behold i had began writing wataru pov without my consent...! which is tough. definitely more tough than eichi pov because eichi is......hmm. he's passive aggressive and he's not always outwardly honest but he doesn't strike me as the kind of person to lie to himself--he'll hide things, sure, but he's aware of it and more likely than not has already monologued to himself about it. (this is different from akechi pov in that akechi has truly and genuinely mastered the art of lying to himself lol) so IN A WAY wataru pov is actually closer to akechi pov. It's All About The Masks etc. BUT since this fic takes place in the future i see my wataru as having learned honesty to some degree but his pov is deliberately sparse because. i guess with other characters when they're speaking there's some degree of reading between the lines but for wataru soo much of his character is the fact that the role he's playing IS himself (which is why he gave eichi his mask during what is essentially their confession scene in game, meaning not that now you can see behind my mask but meaning that wataru is Giving Himself to eichi, because wataru IS all of his masks...!) i'm getting sidetracked i'm essentially saying that i didn't give wataru the same level of like internal pov dialogue because it's like... that level of mystery that his character begets i feel should still be there even when we're in his head. and i think that makes the moments where he is honest to himself even more meaningful.

ok this is getting ridiculous let’s start narrating cause otherwise we’re going to be here all day.

(realized i never even linked the fic... she is here.)


VLADIMIR: Suppose we repented.
ESTRAGON: Repented what?
VLADIMIR: Oh . . . (He reflects.) We wouldn't have to go into the details.
ESTRAGON: Our being born?
― Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot


My body trembles, and I throw up. Unable to hold it in, I cough up a mass of blood. Ahh, Wataru’s graceful, perfect, beautiful face is dirtied with blood. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry for being born.
― Eichi, Daydream

SO let’s talk about this. i’ve never been an epigraph guy but i do get excited when i see them while reading fic cause i think it adds another layer of Theme… but anyway i was skimming through my godot pdf trying to actually find something for the title (this was before i became enlightened after listening to between the bars) and then when i saw the above quote i literally gasped because i IMMEDIATELY remembered the crucial line from daydream where eichi talks about the same thing. i was about ⅔ done with the fic at the time? and i think choosing these epigraphs actually made the narrative more clear to me–i was focusing more on wataru at the outset but the core point of this fic is (of course, its ME) eichi and his inability to reckon with…things. a lot of things! but since this is wataei fic the main focus is ofc going to be their relationship. anyways. i truly felt like i was brain blasting when i put those two quotes next to each other… like the narrative peaked before it even began.



A tasteful high-rise. A bed.

Evening. this opening deliberately mirrors the opening lines to waiting for godot:

"A country road. A tree.

Evening."

The scene opens with your very own Hibiki Wataru. Eichi, too, is there, on the bed, but it’s clear that he’s somewhere else. Wataru thinks: there will never be a time Eichi traverses a path that he does not want to follow. (Save, perhaps, for when he’s with Keito, but that’s never been Wataru’s fault.) The far-away look in Eichi’s eyes reminds him of something, and so he asks:

“And where are we traveling tonight, my Emperor?”

Eichi looks over, a sweet furrow in his brow. “Hm?”

“I was hoping you might enlighten me as to where your brilliant mind has taken you this evening!” Wataru continues. “Unless you’d prefer it to be a solo voyage, in which case—“

“Ah,” Eichi says, amused, clearly having caught on. “I’m reminiscing. And I’m not particularly sure it’s a path you’d like to accompany me on.”

“On the contrary,” Wataru says, turning to face Eichi directly. They’re both sitting up, leaning against the headboard of a slightly ostentatious king-sized bed. i actually changed this from “their” to “a” because i wasn’t entirely sure when i wanted this fic to take place. at first i thought it was going to be way further down the line (maybe 5+ years out from hs) but i think it makes more sense if its 2-3 years. so i’m not sure if they’d be cohabitating at that point. also “a” sounds more like a stage direction. overthinking every word is my specialty… The script Wataru had been reading slips off his lap as he turns; no matter, as something far more interesting has caught his attention. “There will never be a time you traverse a path that I do not want to follow!” It’s always nice to share his thoughts with Eichi exactly as they are. They’ve worked hard to get to this point, after all. this is interesting cause there’s a few times later on (and one very explicit instance) where wataru has a thought and deliberately doesn’t share it. there is still work to be done…!

“Even when Keito’s there?” Eichi asks.

“Eichi, I fear we may know each other too well,” Wataru laments, “unless you have suddenly gained telepathic abilities and thought to keep it a secret…?”

Eichi laughs. “Would you like to me to guess what you’re thinking?”

“I very much would!” this scene was totally an aside that i didn’t actually intend to become… the main plot(? lol) of the fic. i’ve said this before but basically when i write i rarely have any sort of detailed narrative planned and i just let my knowledge of the characters carry me through the process. and i’ve read a lot of eichi and wataru talking to each other in various enstars stories lately so writing this 3k+ long conversation came very naturally i must say… :)

“Hm,” Eichi starts, putting his tablet down and facing Wataru as well. “It surely can’t still be of Keito.”

“Surely not,” Wataru says. “If I’m being honest, I’d like this room to be a Keito-free zone, even in the nebulous realm of the psyche.”

“He just sent me an e-mail,” Eichi says, looking down at the tablet between them. “Does that count?”

“I believe it may have to,” Wataru says. He picks up the tablet and disappears it, sleight of hand. “At least for tonight!” this might be my favorite exchange in the whole fic i don’t know why i find it so hilarious… hence why i tagged “the invoked spirit of hasumi keito” lmfao

“Bye, Keito,” Eichi says. He even waves. It’s absolutely too cute. Wataru sometimes can’t believe his luck.

“Indeed,” Wataru says. And good riddance! wataru+keito relationship is seriously so funny to me. remember when wataru called him his fated rival or something and keito was basically like i don’t even…? bitch you can have him. unrelated but also when he told eichi to k^ll himself in the most recent event story. i cried “Anyways, no, you were right, I was not thinking of Mr. Right Hand. You have two more tries.”

“Hmm,” Eichi says, again, longer this time. He tilts his head to lean against the padded headboard, coy. “Is it perhaps…me?”

“I fear that you are always occupying my thoughts,” Wataru says, “so I don’t believe that is fair. You’ll have to be more specific.”

“Could it be a particular attribute?” Eichi asks. “Physical, perhaps?” Somehow he’s gotten even more coy.

Wataru has to hold back a delighted laugh, face reddening. “Not this time!” he says. “But feel free to ask me again later and you may get a different answer.”

“I’ll do that,” Eichi says, eyes lingering somewhere around Wataru’s collarbone. There’s a certain rush he gets whenever Eichi is forward, even after all this time. even though wataru is… like that… i think most people agree that eichi is the more forward of the two. which i think is cute. “So, do I have one more try?”

Wataru nods.

“Perhaps it’s a mental attribute, then?” Eichi says, finally. “You were clearly commenting on the fact that my thoughts were elsewhere earlier, to which I will fully admit…and if you’re thinking it’s a place you wouldn’t want to linger, based on my comment, well, you have any number of my negative attributes from the past to lay your thoughts upon. Am I close?” i also think it’s funny how eichi goes from “is it perhaps my dick you’re thinking of…? :)” to “is it perhaps any to all of my endless horrible despicable attributes you’re thinking of…? :)”

“I wouldn’t call them negative, my Emperor!” Wataru says. “That was the version of you that you had to be at the time. I would be a hypocrite if I faulted anyone for the need to play a role, or to wear a mask.” theme theme theme them the

“You’ve called me Emperor twice tonight,” Eichi says, a non sequitur. “I can’t remember the last time you did that.”

“We’re speaking of the past, are we not?” Wataru says, instead of that far away look in your eyes reminded me of high school. Something of a strange thing to say. A bit depressing.

“I suppose we are,” Eichi says. “You didn’t answer me. Was I close?”

Wataru notices Eichi didn’t respond to his reflection about masks, and delicately decides not to comment. Nothing to be done. this is the first of 3 repetitions of the phrase “nothing to be done,” which is also of course a reference to godot. the play opens with it, and so i spent like 10 minutes trying to figure out how to put it in the first paragraph but couldn’t make it work. this was the first place it felt mostly natural… a ham-fisted reference is no reference at all. “In a way,” he says. “Yes. But it’s as I said—I don’t think it’s something negative. The past is the past. It cannot be anything else…!”

“Yes,” Eichi says, going far-away again. “Which is why it might be something of a useless endeavor…”

“It could never be useless to me,” Wataru replies, touching Eichi’s chin to make sure he’s looking at him, feeling a need to be serious so as to bring Eichi back down to earth. They’re always doing this for each other; it’s one of the many reasons they work so well. “Not if it’s something that matters to you.”

“Ah,” Eichi says, closing his eyes and turning his pink face into the headboard. “You’d think I would be used to your sincerity by now.”

“The day that happens is the day I have failed as your fated court jester!” Wataru says.

“And now he’s a jester again,” Eichi says, amused. “It seems we’ve both reverted back to the past.”

“I don’t think our past is that bad,” Wataru says. “Do you, really?”

“I’m the one who killed you,” Eichi says, wry, “am I not?” summary excerpt! the crux of it all. i love reading eichi’s dialogue in game because it always feels like there are 10 different things beneath the surface of every line. wataru is also similar but in a different way…! so i try to keep that same spirit alive when writing their dialogue here.

He was. It’s not like Wataru doesn’t remember. But– “And it was my choice to be killed,” Wataru says. “You do know that, yes?”

“Well,” Eichi says, “to some extent—”

“It was my role,” Wataru says, trying to stress the point. “That was the version of me that I had to be at the time.”

Eichi looks like he’s considering this. Wataru watches the line of his throat as he swallows. this line was an attempt to add a layer of physicality to what has just been Dialogue dialogue dialogue. trying to keep us grounded in the scene when otherwise we are truly in the nebulous realm of the psyche…

After a moment: “And it wasn’t so bad,” Wataru adds, “to die by your hand.” slightly off topic but i also keep thinking about this scene which is the first time they properly meet after everything and how wataru didn’t want eichi to finish saying “i didn’t want you to lose” because wataru had already accepted his role and it was more painful to hear eichi say that he has regrets… i actually love the layers of this scene so much LOL the chapter from element it’s from is even crazier though. wataru lines that were cut such as: “I do not know whether I should be stabbed by a knife and die while letting out a scream of agony, or give an embrace and a kiss! For caution’s sake, I came here for a confirmation~!” because even this early on he KNOWS the varied conflicting feelings eichi has for him. and this was the crucial scene where wataru began to feel the same.

Eichi makes an aborted sound, like a gasp that he was trying to hide. He swallows again. “I see.”

Eichi’s fruitless attempts to draw a veil over his stronger emotions is something that hasn’t changed. Wataru, selfishly, hopes it never will.

“So,” Wataru continues, soft, “is there anything in particular that is troubling you, Eichi?”

“When I killed you,” Eichi starts, “or shall I say when you let yourself be killed…?” He pauses to laugh, without humor. “Afterwards, when I…”

“Collapsed?”

“That may be putting it kindly,” Eichi says. “I truly felt that I was going to die. Or that in a way I already had. Or was it just that I wanted to…?” i know this fic has like… a TON of ellipses and …?s and …!s which is not something i generally use but is used pretty often in the Enstars Story Canon so i guess i was subconsciously matching that. because i sort of didn’t realize how minorly excessive it was until now. buuut i’ll stand by it.

“Eichi,” Wataru says.

“Sorry,” Eichi says, “I know you don’t like when I talk like that.”

“I would never wish for you to censor yourself for my sake,” Wataru says. And it’s the truth. But there is something to be said about being cognizant of another’s feelings while you’re speaking to them, though he knows that has never been one of Eichi’s strengths. Wataru is the one with the masks, after all. Wataru considers saying this aloud, or at least an abridged, kinder version, but ultimately thinks better of it. the aforementioned thought that was not voiced. again, the wataru pov is pretty intentionally sparse so i’m hoping moments like this don’t feel out of place / are revealing enough to carry the pov along. i actually considered making the fic a full-on script but i thought that might be too much. though it would have been a fun exercise!!

Eichi looks like he knows Wataru has more to say on the subject, but he drops it, clears his throat instead. “Regardless of my highly unstable mental state at the time,” he says, like he considers it funny, the fact that he worked so hard and still wanted to die at the end of it all. i like this bit tbh, eichi is always saying shit that toes the line of like 5 different mental states. “You were there. You caught me.”

“That I did,” Wataru says. “I remember the—“

“Blood,” Eichi says,

“Way you looked at me,” Wataru says, at the same time.

“Oh,” Eichi says. His eyes are so wide.

“Well,” Wataru says, unsure why his heart is quickening. He supposes he wasn’t prepared for this level of honesty tonight, and if he’s honest, that particular memory has haunted more than one of his nights alone. “I’d be lying if I said the blood didn’t stick in the memory as well…! i’ve seriously grown so fond of a “...!” after writing this, it reads in such a specific way that’s impossible for any other type of punctuation lol. But that was—merely the setting of the stage. A prop, if we’re thinking about it in that way. But you, Eichi, you were…”

The feeling of Eichi’s enraptured gaze is one that will never grow stale, Wataru is sure of it, feels that he has never been more sure of anything.

“You were the star. The hero. My partner on the stage. No, better yet—my rival. ehe. but no seriously wataru is so good at reconciling past roles and like… sequestering them to the past where they (usually) belong. which is exactly what eichi needs. And then off-stage, you looked at me like…”

“Like I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” Eichi says, quiet. “Like I couldn’t believe my luck?”

“Yes,” Wataru says, unbearably fond. “I know the feeling.” specifically referencing wataru thinking he couldn’t believe his luck earlier, but also a million other instances i’m sure.

"I thought that I would be waiting for you forever," Eichi says, the sides of his mouth twitching, the pleasure of the current moment warring with the shame of the past.

"Would that have made me your Godot?" Wataru asks. the origin of this fic!!! i thought of this line in the shower and immediately knew i needed to write something to connect their overlapping themes… though this is the only overt reference. i thought i would get to it more but i ended up talking about mfing othello instead.

"God might be closer," Eichi says, somehow sounding out of breath. "But that's the metaphor in the end of that play, no?"

“Some think so,” Wataru says. He shifts so that he’s looking away, needing a break from the weight of Eichi’s stare and everything that it means, just for a moment. “But in the end, the titular character never arrives. A shame, isn’t it?”

“Isn’t that the point?” Eichi asks.

“Hm?”

“The shame,” Eichi says. “To wait for someone who was never going to come.” i also considered this little exchange as the summary but felt it was maybe too vague / misleadingly depressing in comparison. but i do think it’s extremely meaningful for eichi’s character + overlaps a lot with his “mephistopheles business.”


-


(An aside.) i thought there were going to be more of these but then the conversation itself got away from me and then i sort of gave up. (rip to the hospital visit aside…) but this is the crucial one! i think anyone who reads this has the necessary context but i wanted a hint of eichi pov and this felt like the perfect place to do it.

Backstage. The memory to which Eichi retreats when he goes far away.

After the execution, Eichi didn’t think: it’s done. Rather, he thought: I’m done. And his body agreed.

There isn’t really a good way to describe a victory that feels like defeat. Or perhaps he’s being dramatic, in that it didn’t quite feel like defeat—no. It felt fantastic. That’s the problem with strong emotions, Eichi’s found: once they reach a certain point the sensation is all the same. So Eichi couldn’t tell you exactly how he was feeling. a little bit of projection on my part here. i don’t know if anyone else can relate to this but figured it may be a chronically ill / unbelievably weak constitution thing.

And then he collapsed. And then he was caught in the arms of his enemy, his idol, his—Wataru. (Eichi remembers thinking it was Tsumugi at first, come back to hold him after all. When he thinks back, he laughs at his naïveté. Tsumugi was never going to be that for him, and like most things, that was Eichi’s fault, too.) i love tsumugi backstory i really do. in another world i would be writing tragic tsumugi/eichi fic…

Regardless he was caught, and then he was sick, and then it was over—the blood everywhere, and Hibiki Wataru still there, slaughtered and warm, not once looking away. top 3 lines… to me.


-


“But I did come!” Wataru says. “In fact, if you’ll recall, I kept coming to you again and again—“

“In that godforsaken hospital?” Eichi asks, blinking as if emerging from a fog.

“Simply your place of residence at the time,” Wataru says, waving a hand. “And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy finding ever more exciting ways to break in each time…!”

“The nurses definitely didn’t enjoy that,” Eichi says. He smiles, cutely vindictive, as if Wataru being a pain in the nurses’ ass somehow made up for all the times he got poked and prodded as a child. i love thinking about perpetually_hospitalized_mean_girl_eichi it really does bring me joy. whenever he talks about how he was an evil little thing as a kid… amazing stuff.

“Perhaps not,” Wataru says, thinking of one particularly memorable occasion where he got chased out of the room by a nurse with four(!) syringes in hand. Really, what he remembers most is the way Eichi laughed and laughed. “But surely you know I would have visited even if you found yourself in a jail cell.”

“It’s possible that’s what I deserved,” Eichi says, a false lightness in his voice. “It’s likely what your friends would have wanted.”

Wataru thinks for a moment: Ah. Even after all this time, he still manages to twist my words into their least charitable meaning. At the end of the day, that’s just who Eichi is, and likely who he always will be. Nothing to be done. our second “nothing to be done!” Instead, a joke: also didn’t realize this at the time but this last two paragraph exchange could be word-for-word swapped into an akeshu fic ctfu… predictable as always.

“I’ve never thought through the logistics of a jailbreak,” Wataru says, “but I trust that we could do it together.” He pauses. “Regardless of anyone who might have a differing opinion of your innocence!” wataru like i’m not ready to be sincere again quite yet but Please pick up what i’m putting down. alas…

A huff. “Thank you,” Eichi says. When Wataru turns back to look at him directly, Eichi is smiling, small, eyes trained on his imperceptibly shaking hands. He’s always tried to hold onto himself through sheer force of will, but his frailty will always slip through the cracks. Wataru, since the beginning, has always understood his role in being strong for the both of them. He’s filled worse roles, of course, but sometimes he’s still…

Wataru asks, “Is that what you’re worried about, then? That I won’t come back?” He smiles through a vague sense of hurt. “Ah. Back to your Mephistopheles business?”

Eichi is quiet.

“That trope is a bit tired at this point, no?” Wataru continues, the words sprouting from someplace raw inside him. “Maybe we can decide on another character archetype for me. You know I’m always willing to be your doting housewife, Eichi. What about Desdemona? Ah, though I wouldn’t want to imply anything about you and Othello—” i love the bitterness that is hopefully very apparent in this paragraph. also i imagine it’s unnecessary to explain the connection to both mephistopheles (referenced multiple times in canon) and othello (we probably all know the plot of othello). but like it’s serious.

“Wataru, please,” Eichi says. “There’s no need for such a gruesome comparison.”

“And if being compared to Mephistopheles is just as gruesome for me?” Wataru asks. An attempt at delicacy. “At this point in our relationship?”

“That’s…” Eichi starts, but seemingly does not know how to finish. Wataru moves his gaze from Eichi’s hands to his face once more. He looks stricken. Truly, in the most literal sense of the word: as if he’s been struck. and it’s like… eichi doesn’t even think it’s THAT bad. so he’s genuinely shocked when wataru finally expresses his displeasure with the comparison. inspiration for this partly comes from tempest’s story when eichi says something along the lines of “i trust you more than myself; and i wouldn’t even mind a betrayal–if it’s from you, you can hurt me all you like. is this feeling what others call love?” and wataru brushes it off with something about sweet nothings and eichi acting childish. i do think he was somewhat hurt by it… especially since earlier on eichi says he’s never been in love and wataru literally says “wait what” 😭 but they’re less stunted now. especially by the time of this fic.

Wataru naturally feels the urge to fill the silence. To lighten the mood, even if just for Eichi’s sake, while Wataru stews over it and turns his own stomach into knots. agh i’m always thinking about that one line where (idr who) says that wataru is always playing/telling jokes/etc. “with a dead look in his eyes.” i imagine this is how it is when he attempts to lighten the mood for eichi’s sake. i’m Wataru_Has_Issues_Too truther. Instead he sits and waits. and this is how you KNOW it’s serious.

“Wataru, I’m not sure—” Eichi stops abruptly, makes a pained noise. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

“I would like you to be forthright,” Wataru says. “That has always been the truth.”

“Well,” Eichi says, finally. “It’s a question of deserving, then. In a way…” He laughs. “In a way I deserve to be compared to Othello, with his jealousy and his cruelty. Or Faust with his…what would you like to call it? Twisted, naïve greed? Stupidity? Blindness?

“But Mephistopheles…” A sigh. “They say he only collects the souls of those who are already damned, don’t they? So he was just. Well. Doing his job, I suppose. I wouldn’t fault him for trying to make the best of his situation. To enjoy it, to some degree.”

Unable to begin unpacking the second half of Eichi’s answer, Wataru starts with: “You called it a gruesome comparison. You and Othello.”

“I was referring to you and Desdemona,” Eichi says. “I think myself and Othello may be quite fair, all things considered.”

“Eichi,” Wataru says. BAH this entire bit is soooooooo sadfunny to me. i need to be quiet i don’t even think i need to explain anything i just love their brand of conversation so much i feel like i was possessed.

“Mm?” Eichi replies. He looks like he feels better after his little speech. self-righteous self-deprecation is a pretty good feeling, if not a particularly healthy one…! Wataru can’t say the same, especially as he trails his eyes down and sees Eichi’s hands still shaking.

“What do you think my most despicable trait is?” Wataru asks. “And please be honest.”

Eichi’s eyebrows furrow. “I don’t…”

“There is surely at least one,” Wataru says. “Considering the fact that you just laid it out plainly for me to see…!”

“Are you attempting something of a Socratic dialogue?” Eichi asks. He smiles faintly. “Where we go around in a circle and I end up realizing the fatal flaw in my logic?” my original gdoc was named “socratic dialogue for insane people” before i even knew where it was going… was pleased to sneak that directly in here.

“If Eichi thinks his Wataru is deceiving him then that makes Wataru a bad person,” Wataru says, “if you’ll forgive the oversimplification. But Eichi doesn’t think Wataru is a bad person! Therein lies the fault in your reasoning.”

“But—“

“Ah, please hold another moment. I think I can predict what you’re going to say, Emperor. third person throughout most of this and “emperor” again to, like, deliberately distance himself from eichi during this show of vulnerability. though i’m not sure how ~vulnerable~ it is to try to out-logic your boyfriend out of thinking you’re going to leave him… via faustian allegory… but for the person eichi is? it works. There’s one way that your logic remains sound. Pardon the tongue twister: is a person who does bad things to bad people a bad person? Most would say no. I think you would agree.”

“I would,” Eichi says, with that same sad smile. Every expression of one’s beloved is precious, of course, but Wataru would be lying if he said he wasn’t growing weary of this particular look. “So you understand. It has nothing to do with your despicable traits.” A laugh. “As if. It’s absurd to even say aloud.”

“What if we flipped it?” Wataru asks, an idea suddenly coming to him. “Hibiki Wataru is a good person. Yes or no?”

“Yes,” Eichi says, quick and firm.

“And so this would make Wataru betraying Eichi a good thing, if we are still assuming Eichi is bad…?”

“Yes,” Eichi says. Just as firm.

“Then, imagine a scenario for me—one in which Wataru never betrays Eichi. If we’re following our same train of logic, what would this mean?”

“I’m not sure,” Eichi says, though the resigned line of his jaw implies that he understands exactly what Wataru is getting at. “You may have to spell it out for me.” so sweetly stubborn as always.

“It would mean that Eichi is not bad at all…!” Wataru exclaims, trying to sound sincere, even through the showmanship. as someone who always acts the same regardless of how he’s feeling, i imagine it can be tough to seem particularly genuine, which is something i thought a lot about while writing. but he does try. “As I have it on pretty good authority that Wataru has no betrayals planned!”

Eichi looks like he wants to say something. Possibly a comment on Wataru’s circular logic, as it definitely is—just the same as Eichi’s. Possibly something like, I understand, but that doesn’t change how I feel. Which would be fair. But—

“I understand,” Eichi starts. “But surely you also understand that doesn’t change how I—

“Eichi,” Wataru says. this being the THIRD time he cuts eichi off / “reprimands” him by just saying his nameee… i didn’t even realize i did that this often. so sorry to eichi.

Eichi takes a deep breath, visibly steeling himself. “Yes?”

“I love you,” Wataru says. “Beyond all logic—despite it.” He takes a breath and looks at the hurt awe on Eichi’s face. “Do you remember what I said, those years ago? When I caught you?”

“How unsightly,” Eichi says, no pause in his recollection. i think about this line from daydream a lot too, as it seems somewhat out of character for wataru to just flat out say that…? and while my interpretation is likely not the intended one i do think it makes some sense. though more accurately i think it was probably referring to how their roles swapped once they were backstage–the “dead” villain wataru catching the triumphant victor as he lays ill. or something like that; it could also just be an odd translation. “How could I forget that? And don’t fault yourself, it’s not as if it was an inaccurate assessment—“

“I was speaking of myself,” Wataru says. “I had been killed. My role at the time—that is to say, my very life at the time—had reached its end. And yet I was selfish. I wanted to continue on…! Can you discern why?”

“I suppose not everyone has had to make the same peace with death as others have,” Eichi says, doing that sweetly infuriating thing where he makes a broad, verbose statement that is clearly meant to refer to himself. “Especially those who are worthy of life. It’s only natural to fear its inverse.” i found this tumblr post: funniest thing is when it turns out someone actually has exactly the same takes on a fictional character as me but they finish like 'so yeah that's why i detest this guy' and it's like. ah. i see. i am a fundamentally different person however while writing this so whenever eichi is being particularly obnoxious in his way i think about it…. because it’s so funny and ultimately charming to me but i can also totally see how it would make someone want to slap the shit out of him.

Wataru thinks of saying: Humans, maybe! Do you really think a being born for the stage such as myself would have such worldly fears?

But Wataru is many things—a performer, yes, to the bone, and to the grave, but also: human. And he does have fears. Monstrous ones. Eichi’s shaking hands. His burdened lungs. The unyielding roots of his grief. The pain. All of that pain. He sees them all each day. And how nice it would be: to be strong enough to change any of it. i spent a good few minutes phrasing this paragraph and i still have the urge to tweak it but hopefully it still hits as intended as one of the most crucial wataru moments :”|

“Sorry,” Eichi says, smiling, noticing Wataru’s reticence. “I’m being difficult again.”

“I have never in my life backed down from a challenge,” Wataru replies. “You likely know that better than most! But as I was saying…”

A pause. “As you were saying?”

“I myself am grappling with,” Wataru says, slowly, “matching my feelings with my words. Giving them their proper weight. I am cognizant of how much…meaning words carry for the both of us. So I’m feeling a certain reluctance.” wataru voice is so. FUN! but difficult. in rereading sanctuary i was so enthralled by memory_loss_wataru being exceedingly timid and apologetic and tomoya being like “is this how he is when he isn’t acting?” so i wanted to like… hint at that side of him. yes i realize it was supposed to be wataru at age 5 but i’m keeping this interpretation.

“Honesty, Wataru,” Eichi says. “It goes both ways, you know.”

“It seems that I have a difficult time,” Wataru says, “when it becomes clear that my care for you does not match the care you have for yourself. And I know! There’s nothing to be done. third instance. But when you speak of the past, I can’t help but think…how myopic it all seems.”

Eichi purses his lips, the same expression he makes whenever a conversation veers towards critique. “Mhm.”

“My love,” Wataru says. “Please don’t pout. eichi canonical pouter. seriously so cute. I simply mean—ah. I know the future may not seem boundless to you. And you may be right in thinking so. But despite our past…perhaps even because of it…! You were the hero of my story. Truly. It made me happy to think that I could continue forward with you. That our story wasn’t over after you killed me.” He hesitates. “I’ve never much cared for Othello, in all honesty.”

Wataru watches Eichi’s lips tremble. “Mm,” he says. He clears his throat, but it turns into a whimper, the same sad noise he always makes before he begins to cry.

“My apologies,” Wataru says, opening his arms. “I didn’t think you felt so strongly about that particular work—”

“Please be quiet,” Eichi says, scooting over so that he can rest his head on Wataru’s chest, enveloped in his arms. Voice wobbling, he says, “I don’t give a shit about Othello.”

Always such a thrill when he swears! “Scandalous!” Wataru says. “But fair. I think our story is much more interesting.”

“Maybe someone can write it one day,” Eichi says, into the fabric of Wataru’s shirt. Wataru shivers at the feeling of his warm breath. “When it’s all over.”

“We have to live it first,” Wataru says, running a hand up and down Eichi’s side.

“That we do,” Eichi says. mirroring wataru’s “that i did” re: catching eichi from earlier.

Finally, Wataru thinks, finally—something to be done! and then this of course referencing all our ‘nothing to be done’s!

(me at the end of every fic voice) Not entirely happy with this ending… but i think i just have to make peace with that. truth be told i mostly wrote this because no one would let me talk to them about wataei and i felt like i was going to explode. but i had a blast truly and i suppose that’s what matters…! :3

one more thing i felt was important to talk about but couldn’t fit anywhere is that bit during sanctuary where eichi comes to pick wataru up from tomoya and says “You already have everything. You have an ordinary, loving family. You have friends you could play with. You have others you can chase dreams with. I envy you. Truly envy you. …Since you already have everything, can’t you just give this one to me?” (1) eichi toxically talking about wataru as a belonging, used to happen a lot, tons of fun (2) overall it’s just so crucial to his character / his relationship(s). it’s not directly referenced anywhere but it influences everything!

OK SORRY I’M DONE. this is what happens when i work doubles