old soogyu director's commentary

[soobun]

hi i found this in my gdocs only one scene completed and then i decided to just finish it up. i don't know how to write fic anymore but i always have time to take a moment and be judgmental towards my own writing! purely self-indulgent but i love reading director's commentary for any and all fics so i thought might as well transfer it here :)



“What do you think?” Soobin asks, back turned. this first line (“back turned”) as an attempt to set the (obvious) theme of soobin being unaware of beomgyu(‘s feelings), whether that’s intentional or unintentional on soobin’s part is intentionally vague and up to the reader.

In the mirror, Beomgyu can’t tell if Soobin’s looking at his reflection or back at Beomgyu. and then the evidence that beomgyu himself isn’t sure where soobin’s attention lies, either.

Beomgyu has his eyes trained on a smudge on the mirror, right above the left side of Soobin’s chest–a dark spot, one that’s been there for ages. “left side of the chest” of course where your heart is, dark smudge implying past heartbreak (qsoob?) or some other heart-related wound. Beomgyu’s thinking about metaphors when Soobin makes an impatient noise. Beomgyu looks up, as if trained. still in the helena_deland_dog.mp3 throes.

“Did you hear me?” He asks, catching Beomgyu’s eyes in the mirror, purposefully now. He has that half-amused, half-annoyed smile on, the one that always leaves Beomgyu feeling slightly off-kilter, the one that makes him want to kick and throw shit just so that the lever will finally touch down on either side. i spent a while trying to figure out how to phrase this last sentence to sound better but still keep the meaning but ended up just leaving it :( i’m still not happy with it.

“Can you be more specific with your previous question?” Beomgyu murmurs, looking at the line of Soobin’s bare back. His chest in the mirror. There aren’t many opportunities where he can see both at once. The mirror’s in a bit of an awkward spot in his room: Soobin has to crawl on his bed if he wants see his reflection before he leaves, but when he’s already on there–well. Beomgyu can’t say it isn’t kind of fun. mirror sex is top 10 tropes honestly and i’m upset that it didn’t fit into this properly… upon reflection (lol) i should have just opened with a scene like that bc i could have incorporated more THEMES but i was lowkey too prudish when i started this. “I have many thoughts. About many things.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Soobin says, still in that unbearable precipice between two emotions. “You know what I’m looking at.” He gestures to the bites on his neck, the bruises on his shoulders, the color somehow starker in the morning light. “I think they kind of suit me.”

They do. “Could you be any more vain?” Beomgyu asks. He ignores the way that lingering on them too long makes heat stir in his gut, again, low.

“Coming from you?” Soobin asks, laughing. this is kind of funny because i really do think they’re pretty equal levels of vain but express it very differently. He presses at one, the highest on his neck, and hisses. “You left this one too high. You’re lucky it’s November.” Not quite winter, but cold enough to make Beomgyu think it might as well be. Sometimes he feels like the expectation of cold is worse than the experiencing. i like this last line and think it’s very relatable. also cold of course as a metaphor for, like, losing someone, the same sort of loss of warmth.

Beomgyu could argue the vain comment, but he won’t. He has a bad feeling that it’s not a fight he has any chance of winning. He sighs, and says, “They look good. You’re welcome.”

“I’m welcome?,” Soobin says, or squawks, something vaguely avian in the sound. “I’m the one who’s going to have to–”

“I didn’t hear you complaining,” Beomgyu says, singing a little. He moves forward, reclaiming the space that Soobin put between them to get closer to the mirror. He dips his head to Soobin’s neck. “Actually, if I remember correctly–”

“You’re so fucking annoying,” Soobin says, but the last word gets swallowed in a moan when Beomgyu latches back onto the darkest bruise he could see, the one almost hidden in the junction between neck and shoulder. i was scared to write anything even verging on explicit when i first wrote my sookais, mainly because of how young kai was and like fear of offense, so it was nice to write both swearing and characters being “explicit” with each other, though this is still very staunchly M and not E lmao.

“You’re so,” Soobin tries, again, after another litany of sound that has Beomgyu clenching his teeth.

“Annoying?” Beomgyu mumbles against his damp skin.

“Hot,” Soobin says, “but that too.”

One thing about Soobin during sex: he’s mouthy. In perhaps unkinder words: he’s unable to shut up. king. beomgyu definitely likes it

Beomgyu makes a noise and bites. Soobin drops his head back on Beomgyu’s shoulder with another punched-out sound. “Yeah,” Soobin says, starting again. Beomgyu hates how Soobin’s disinclination towards silence makes his own flare up in turn, because on the off chance that he says something, he doesn’t know, incriminating– beomgyu still doesn’t Quite know the depth of feeling he has for soobin yet, but he knows that there’s something there, and even the existence of that tiny spark is incriminating.

“If you don’t stop we’re going to have a bit of a problem,” Soobin says, after a minute, tilting his head back up. “And I think we have to get up to leave soon.”

Beomgyu lets go. He feels a horrible urge to kiss the skin he just abused. He slaps Soobin’s flank instead. “Get up, then.”

Soobin mutters something that sounds like a curse, untangling himself and planting his feet on the floor. When he turns his head back to look at Beomgyu, his cheeks are flushed, lips bitten red. Instead of leaning forward and dragging him back down, Beomgyu splays out on Soobin’s bed, whines, “I’m thirsty.”

“I’ll get you a glass of water,” Soobin says, still not turned away, eyes unashamed in how they look over Beomgyu’s body. Desire, in any form, nothing less than a full-body high.

Beomgyu says, “Thanks,” needlessly winded.

Smiling wide, Soobin says, “What are friends for?” i wrote, like, 50 to 70% of this scene with this endpoint in mind LOL i wanted it to hit kind of hard that soobin VERY much sees this as a friends thing and is seemingly very content with that. for moments like this i always think its best to cut a scene pre-reaction, i.e we can infer that beomgyu is hurt by this and so leaving that unsaid lets the reader have their own “ouch” moment. i prefer this when reading but i never know if others do!


-


2021 has a been a hell of a year.

Group-wise, of course, societally, too, obviously, but personally? Lord. If you had told him a year ago, 20 years old, fresh into Blue Hour promotions, that he’d be sleeping with a bandmate before another rotation of the earth around the sun passed, he’d say you were crazy. That you were projecting, even, depending on who you was. teehee! But here he is. And here they are.

It’s fine. Good, even. Mind-blowing, sometimes, when Beomgyu admits it to himself, when he looks at himself from outside his body and sees someone he never thought he’d become.

The problem, at the end of the day, is that his life is a fucking cliché. long opening scene to set the characters and the tone, shorter scenes (this one and the two after) to establish less important things like setting and just, like, where we are in the narrative. record scratch you may be wondering how i got here etc. i wouldn’t want to open with this because it’s telling and not showing, but i like how it feels like a birds-eye-view before we get mired down again in a deeper beomgyu pov.


-


It started with an ex. Not his. Unnamed, because Beomgyu doesn’t want to go there, and because Soobin won’t let him. (And anyway, he’s not evil. Anyone in a ten-mile radius could see that Soobin was genuinely affected. You could have called it love, from a certain light, at a certain angle.) hmmmmmm i think i might have cut this bit in parentheses and then just opened the next paragraph with “Soobin was miserable.” i do like the love from a certain light phrase but i almost feel like its too much; if we end before that then the reader has to set it up themselves, obviously soobin was genuinely affected if he won’t “let beomgyu go there.”

Regardless, Soobin was miserable. and then obviously he would be miserable. He was a professional, they all were, but at home he would skulk around the shared space, beg off from meals, play his “indie” music sans headphones. car the garden is not the obscure indie band soobin thinks it is!!!!!!!! soobin mitski girl at heart. Beomgyu was there, in the same room, still, but Soobin wouldn’t talk. For a while.

And then it was like he couldn’t stop talking. So Beomgyu learned the whole (embellished, probably not entirely accurate nor fair) story. He said all the right things, the I can’t believe he’d say that’s and the what a prick’s and the you deserve better’s.

It was the last one that always gave Soobin pause. It was like he would blink, and Beomgyu would have to watch the words try to register, to fit themselves into whatever messed up schemata Soobin cooked up for himself on a particular day. i actually really like the phrase “messed up schemata” lol and then the recurring motif of: Square peg, round hole.

And then one day, in response, Soobin had set his jaw and said: “I do, don’t I?”

Beomgyu said, “You do,” not knowing where this was headed. Talking to Soobin was like that, sometimes, an exercise in both patience and faith.

“I should set terms for myself,” Soobin said, lifting himself with a hand on the bed. They were on Soobin’s. Always on Soobin’s. “always on soobin’s” meaning bed and also overall fwb terms, which is something that clearly began eating away at beomgyu quicker than i think even he realized.

“Sure,” Beomgyu said, heart rate picking up, a bodily function totally separate from conscious thought. A mammal sensing a possible threat, something to throw yourself towards or run away from. You have to make the decision quickly, unconsciously, or else you’re toast. i would change "toast" to "done." i think the only reason i used toast in the first place was because i was playing omori while i was writing this wherein your party members turn into "toast" when they get killed. fresh on the mind. “You should.”

Beomgyu saw Soobin swallow. “Okay,” he said, quiet, “I will.”

And then Beomgyu heard—from a continent away, above his heart, above it all: “Will you let me?”

And he reached out.

Beomgyu, for what it’s worth, let himself be reached. beomgyu sees himself as the more passive party but he can still acknowledge that this wouldn’t be happening if he didn’t also open himself up to it in some way! also i almost cut "for what it's worth" but i'm glad i didn't. sometimes i think i chopchopchop my sentences too much but i feel like it's so hard to make things sound decent in my brain and i feel like it doesn't even end up reading that well to other peopleee regardless... ah.


-


“I think you just get me,” Soobin said once, barefoot in the kitchen. i actually had a different summary quote at first before this one and i changed it after posting… i can’t even remember what it was anymore. i like this one though. It was almost summer. They had changed dorms, stopped sleeping in the same room. Kept sleeping together, regardless, in the other sense.

Beomgyu doesn’t mind it, the new place. The light comes in undiluted through the windows. It cut the planes of Soobin’s face differently, that static morning, made him look unfamiliar and indecipherable. Beomgyu thought—I know you. I do. But still the light didn’t shift. i think this is a pretty decent description. maybe top 5 paragraphs in this thing.


-


Months passed. Beomgyu grew his hair out. Soobin grew closer. i had this line in my notes since this fic’s conception and i could never quite figure out where i wanted it go but didn’t want to delete it :/ i think it fits ok here but it’s not great.

The thing about faith is that it lives on, despite any disreality of the object. The thing about faith is that you can look non-existence in the eye and still believe. You can catch it between your teeth and try to salve the bitterness away. i do not like the first half of this paragraph… i would rearrange the whole thing or even just come up with a different way to segue into the following, which i think is much stronger: At the end of the day, Beomgyu has faith in Soobin. Sure. He’s their leader. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything there for Beomgyu to believe in, with this. Some people are perpetually three steps ahead. Soobin is not one of them.

The arrangement, if you want to call it that, is simple. It’s casual sex. It’s no strings attached. It’s Soobin, saying, I need to put myself first. You understand, don’t you? And Beomgyu did. Does. He thought it was a pretty sweet deal at first, too, having someone a bed away who you can laugh and feel good with without having to think at all.

Usually Beomgyu has an easy time not thinking. But somewhere along the line, he found himself contemplating more, found himself aching for something resembling connection. i’d delete the previous line and replace with simply “Not anymore.” it’s obvious what he’s contemplating!!! He doesn’t know how it started. Something about the stark realness of having separate rooms, the deliberacy of having to seek Soobin out, to work around managers and members and Soobin’s damn hedgehog. i laughed at this because i legitimately spent time trying to figure out whose room would be the better locale for sex purposes and decided on soobin’s but couldn’t get over his damn hedgehog. so. The way Soobin’s stopped texting him come over and started sending pictures instead. His mouth, his stomach, the line of his dick through his sweats.

He’s almost always hard before Beomgyu gets there. Beomgyu thinks: what if he’s thinking about someone else. What if I’m just here, the easiest option.

It must have been September, late August, whenever it started to properly cool down outside. i hate timeline-ing fic because i never have an outline so my peak setting skills are always just like uhhh it was This month or it was This era of promotions. as long as i get a vague idea i never really give a shit when i’m reading other people’s fics, so i imagine everyone else is similar. Soobin was laying propped up on the pillows. The blanket had been banished, hanging dejectedly off the side of the bed. Soobin had said, “It’s cold. Get the blanket, Beomgyu-yah.”

Let it be known that Beomgyu had been perfectly comfortable. He made a noise and pushed his face further into Soobin’s bicep. They were both still naked, but Beomgyu always ran hot, especially after, like his body didn’t know quite how to regulate itself. just like his emotions :(

“Beomgyu,” Soobin whined, flicking him in the side. “I’m going to freeze to death. And then what’s Kai going to think when he finds me frozen like this?”

Beomgyu almost said: haven’t you traumatized that poor kid enough? before he realized Soobin may not be well-adjusted enough to hear it and take it as the well-intentioned jest Beomgyu meant it as. Somewhat well-intentioned. literally not well-intentioned at all LMFAO Not like it’s Beomgyu’s place, anyway. If anyone’s going to handle the can of worms that was Kai’s brittle, spun-sugar crush on Soobin, it wasn’t going to be him. Taehyun probably has it covered. Maybe it’s too late either way.

Beomgyu fucking hates thinking this much. beomgyu also hates the way that soobin bringing up kai brought him back down to earth, put their relationship back into the greater context of the group. makes it seem more real and gives it higher stakes than he cares to think about. also puts him in a nasty enough headspace to say what he says shortly. He detached himself from Soobin’s arms and reached out to yank the blanket back up the bed. Something clattered to the floor.

“My phone,” Soobin gasped, rearranging the blanket over himself. “Beomgyu-yah, get it!”

Beomgyu almost left it on the floor just to be difficult, as payback for making him move in the first place. But he followed orders, reached down with a long-suffering sigh. The screen automatically lit up when he held it. A message.

sunghoon-ie 22:37
haha, really? i think you’re handsome, too, hyung

A beat. Two. you have to laugh…

Sometimes Beomgyu thinks he might have a minor issue with greed. ehh. i think i’d delete this line.

“You have a message,” Beomgyu said, finally, throwing the phone back in Soobin’s direction. He debated the optics of escaping to the bathroom. Not great. Unfortunately, he also couldn’t stop the next words out of his mouth, which were: “Setting up for tomorrow night?” slutshaming your bandmate because you’re in love with him who knows this one :(

Beomgyu saw Soobin shift and reach for his phone, his long fingers quick and deft. He made a noise, something upset and pleased and shocked all in one. Mostly upset, if Beomgyu’s being honest. delete this line. the final line of this paragraph is saying the same thing!!!! “What?” Soobin asked, quiet. Hurt, a little, if you were paying attention.

“Nothing.” Fuck. i always like pov interjections like this. no description or dialogue tags needed. just—fuck! “I don’t know why I said that.”

When Beomgyu looked back over, Soobin was pouting and clenching his jaw in the same motion. He had the blanket tucked up over his chin. He looked so young. “Are you–”

“If you finish that sentence I’m quitting the group,” Beomgyu said, aiming for joking, hitting somewhere bruised and ultimately mortifying.

“Beomgyu–”

“Hyung,” Beomgyu said, the honorific an attempt to regain some footing, to put them back in their proper places. They’ve completely lost the plot, Beomgyu most of all. indeed i love a LOADED HONORIFIC as well. “Drop it.”

Soobin’s not going to have a difficult conversation if he doesn’t have to. So he dropped it.

And summer bleeds into fall. i was like why does the tense change here but i realized the entire previous scene was just a flashback after beomgyu starts thinking that he’s just “the easiest option” in the present narrative… there’s probably a less awkward way to do this. actually i would just change bleeds to bled because aren’t we already in november? i think i tried that but i liked how bleeds sounded more. c'est la vie.


-


It’s possible that part of the problem is that Soobin doesn’t take Beomgyu seriously. he’s clearly projecting but it’s also, like, half-true. Beomgyu knows his personality doesn’t lend itself towards any sort of grave, profound situations. He likes to joke around. He likes to have a good time. He also feels his emotions far deeper than anyone else he knows, with the exception of maybe Soobin. Soobin likes to take. Beomgyu doesn’t mind giving. He’s not sure it’s the same thing as liking. i like how these last 3 lines read, i also think it’s a pretty concise and decent way to wrap up a good portion of their relationship issues. i also just realized it could be read as top/bottom commentary which i promise was unintentional but is oddly fitting regardless.

One day, on one of the couches in Beomgyu’s studio, Soobin on his knees on the floor, Beomgyu gasps out, “Why me?”

Soobin doesn’t stop for a minute, waiting until Beomgyu makes another noise to pull off. “What?” he asks, flushed, lips red and Beomgyu’s dick still in his hand. He’s breathing hard.

Maybe Beomgyu should have waited to ask. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked at all. He swallows and shakes his head. “Nothing,” he says, shifting his hips forward. “Keep going.”

Soobin does something funny with his eyebrows, but he doesn’t have to be told twice.

After Beomgyu comes, after Soobin crawls up onto his lap, Beomgyu tries again. Hard-headed at the best of times.

Soobin’s squirming in his lap. Beomgyu has one hand on Soobin’s back to keep him steady and the other jerking him off, slow in the way that Soobin likes when he’s worked up. When he asks, this time, Soobin replies quickly, easily.

“You’re perfect,” he breathes. “There’s no one else like you.”

Beomgyu feels his traitorous heart skip a beat. “Yeah?” he asks, hand speeding up. He’s such a goddamn moron. bruh moment fr.

“Yeah,” Soobin says, voice breaking. He runs a hand through Beomgyu’s hair, keeps it fisted when he reaches his nape. Beomgyu’s forced to look right at Soobin’s face when he says, “I’m yours.”

It’s a lie. Beomgyu feels bursting with it anyway. actually i think this is the main bruh moment. His ears are ringing when Soobin says, “Yes, yes,” pitching forward and coming all over Beomgyu’s fingers. crying because for soobin it’s like fun dirty talk to rile beomgyu up but for beomgyu its like [frantic] ARE YOU JK OR FR???? A pause, and then Soobin picks up his hand by the palm and puts his first two fingers in his mouth. Beomgyu’s head thunks against the wall. He feels a million times more discomposed than Soobin looks, smiling around Beomgyu’s fingers, hand still in Beomgyu’s hair. He sucks hard, once, and then lets them go.

Beomgyu means to say something, but Soobin shifts his hand to tuck Beomgyu’s hair carefully behind his ears, a gentle motion that feels so at odds with their situation, like something you’d do to a sick child, or like someone you were leaving for a long time. this is still weirdly my favorite line i don’t even know why. i just like it, beomgyu wanting to ascribe some greater meaning to his torment beyond just the agony of catching feelings. i also just like it on a sentence level; it feels like someone else wrote it.

Soobin makes a pleased noise, and gets up. “Dinner?” he asks. again, no need for beomgyu pov response. we know that shit was capital p Painful! hm. maybe my favorite scene too.


-


Whenever Beomgyu calls his parents, his mom always asks him the same question. Are you making things difficult for yourself? oh i think this was my previous choice for summary quote and i didn’t have the “or.” hmm. i like both but i think i was right to change it.

Not how are you, not is anything giving you a hard time, but a question that directly invokes his own conscious will.

“No,” he says, usually, “everyone’s still putting up with me.”

“You’re lucky,” his mom will say. “But so are they. I miss you more than you know.”

And then Beomgyu’s blinking back tears, like clockwork. this scene is so short but i wanted to make sure beomgyu talked to at LEAST one person that wasn’t soobin in this fic…

The point, though, is that sometimes Beomgyu does make things difficult for himself. It’s not always intentional. It’s just–if someone reaches for you, how do you pull away? How do you do that to them? To yourself?

How do you look at a bereft space inside someone else and not want to fill it? Beomgyu’s problem, maybe, is that even after learning that he isn’t the right shape, he still grits his teeth and tries. Square peg. Sheer force of will. But still the hole doesn’t shift. callback to “but still the light didn’t shift” AND “square peg, round hole.” two motifs for the price of one. only the best deals here.


-


“Do you remember how the fans used to say that you look like you were shrunk in the wash?” Soobin asks. It’s December. Soobin’s birthday is in two days. They’re in bed.

Yes, Beomgyu thinks, annoyed and fond. “No,” he says.

“Yes, you do,” Soobin replies, laughing, his stupid big hand covering Beomgyu’s entire thigh. “It’s true. It’s cute.” i also had the barebones of this opening interaction in my notes the entire time i was writing this fic… i think it’s very cute :(

“You’re cute,” Beomgyu says, a rebuttal and a truth. He doesn’t know what point he’s trying to prove, if he has one. He’s in a good mood, a mix of surreptitious happenings and the luck of brain chemistry. He’s sitting on Soobin’s thighs, leaning back, enjoying the vague sense of power from the position. He still has his underwear on, nothing else. Soobin is completely naked. usually i can remember what’s intentional theme-wise for my own writing but i’m not sure here. i don’t think i meant anything by it but reading back this could be implying soobin heart_on_sleeve (naked) to beomgyu’s hidden feelings. or it could just be a physical description i don’t know why everything has to mean something

“Thanks,” Soobin replies, smiling up at him. He tries to move his hand from Beomgyu’s thigh to touch him, but Beomgyu grabs it before he can. He places it deliberately back where it was. Soobin frowns.

“No,” Beomgyu says, the idea forming behind his eyelids. Ah. This could be fun. “I want you to watch.” beomgyu wanting to regain a semblance of power in truly any way possible!

Soobin’s lips twitch. Both of his hands are at Beomgyu’s bare thighs, now, his fingers skating up to skim under the cloth of his underwear. “I’m watching,” he says, teasing.

Beomgyu huffs. He palms himself over the fabric, throwing his head back with perhaps more panache than strictly necessary. panache has me chuckling… He feels Soobin’s nails dig into his skin. Beomgyu isn’t that vain, not really, but he knows what he looks like. He arches his back and lets out a whine. personal preference for porny vocal related words off the top of my head: whine > moan > groan > grunt. please do not grunt in my fanfiction. He looks at the ceiling and listens to Soobin’s breathing get harsher.

Another problem: Beomgyu doesn’t know how to set boundaries. But he can do this, at least, perform something that equates to a microcosm of the emotion he feels every day when he looks at Soobin’s face. Being close enough to hold the entirety of what you want in your hands. But it keeps slipping. It doesn’t fit. It just doesn’t fucking work. the prose here is representative of beomgyu “slipping,” in a way—it goes from long very put together sentences using words like microcosm to short, frustrated, cursing. he’s still trying though:

But Beomgyu isn’t going to let this train of thought ruin his mood. He holds the power here. He slips a hand beneath his underwear and fists himself until he’s rocking forward onto Soobin, too, and then Soobin speaks up again.

"You're good," Soobin says, pulling himself up into a sitting position, wrapping his legs around Beomgyu’s hips, breathing into Beomgyu’s open mouth. "So good. Just for me."

Beomgyu’s hand stills. Just for him? He’s so affronted he almost pulls away. Is this worth interrupting sex for? It's just dirty talk. But he feels–

“I want you to fuck me,” Soobin says, always so blatant, so needy. if i was to add anything here it would be beomgyu thinking, meanly, “Isn’t he embarrassed?” He kisses Beomgyu in the space between breaths. They don’t kiss often. “Please.”

Beomgyu wants a lot of things. He wants to give Soobin what he’s asking for, is aching for it. But beneath that, threatening to rise to the surface and claw its way out of his larynx: he wants to be the only one with the power to do so. But since he can’t have that–he at least wants Soobin to stop with all the goddamn pretending. he’s basically already accepted that there’s no way soobin is going to be with him for real, besides maybe in a very small tucked away corner where he lets himself hope, so at this point he just considers it a personal affront that soobin keeps saying sappy shit for no reason. he almost wonders if soobin’s doing it on purpose, to be cruel.

“I thought I told you to watch,” Beomgyu says, leaning out of Soobin’s space, trying to get back into the headspace to start moving his hand again. Maybe he should take his underwear off. “Not to touch.” beomgyu like on god can you please just let me jerk off in (a semblance of) peace rn.

Soobin huffs out a laugh. “Aren’t we done with that?” And then: “Everything okay with you, Beomgyu?”

Oh, so now he wants to ask? But that’s unfair. How could he have known. You don’t look for things you don’t want to see. he knows there’s no way soobin’s actually doing it to be cruel, but is purposefully sliding your gaze away from the pain you’re causing someone really that much more gracious?

“Fine,” Beomgyu says, looking at Soobin’s nightstand, the phone charging innocuously on the corner. “Peachy.”

“Hey,” Soobin says. His eyes are still so dark. “Come on.”

“I just–” Beomgyu starts. Whatever. To hell with it. He takes his hand out of his underwear. “I just wish you wouldn’t say shit like that.”

Soobin looks confused, genuinely, somehow. “Like what?”

“‘Just for you,’” Beomgyu parrots, hands now involuntarily in fists by his sides. “‘Yours.’ That sort of–”

“I just–” Soobin starts.

“I know you just,” Beomgyu cuts him off, emphasis on the final word a little meaner than he intends. He shakes his head at himself, tucks a stray piece of hair behind his ear. Tries to collect the parts of him that are spilling onto the hardwood. who has hardwood in their bedroom i think this should have been carpet... not that it matters “Maybe I should just go.”

“Hey, what–” A hand reaching out to stop Beomgyu from moving. “Beomgyu. Stop.”

“Let go,” Beomgyu says. He could break free if he wanted, but the fact that Soobin won’t let Beomgyu have even this small attempt at autonomy feels like one more in a long line of unintentional, unbearable slights. this line is sort of tucked away but i think it’s pretty crucial. beomgyu would have seriously lost his shit if soobin didn’t let go. “Soobin. I need you to let go.”

And Soobin must hear something in his voice, in the way he used his name with nothing tacked on, because he lets go. Beomgyu can’t bear to look at the fear on his face, the hurt underneath.

“Can’t you talk to me?” Soobin asks. “I tell you everything.”

Beomgyu-yah, I need you. Can you tell me if this picture is flattering enough to send? I want you to fuck me. Beomgyu. Why didn’t he want me enough? I’m yours. Please. You’re perfect. I want to stop thinking. Beomgyu, Beomgyu, Beomgyu— this type of thing that soobin says so easily is always just on a loop in beomgyu’s head. i think this is probably top 5 paragraphs here.

“Have you considered that maybe that’s the problem?” Beomgyu says, half-meaning it. He knows it’s his own problem. A person who felt less, who learned how to roll with the punches, wouldn’t feel so raw. He feels gouged out with all the cruelty of a butter knife.

“What?” Soobin asks. He looks so unhappy. He looks more shocked than Beomgyu expected. He looks like someone who really doesn’t understand the effect he has on others, which is a pretty shitty trait to have as an idol, if you ask Beomgyu. Again: unfair. But what about this is?

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Beomgyu admits, and feels Soobin’s hand drop from his arm.

“What?” Soobin asks, again. Beomgyu doesn’t think he’s ever seen him caught so off-guard. It should be gratifying. It isn’t.

“I don’t want to be the easiest option,” Beomgyu says, with all the honesty he has in himself. “I don’t enjoy– I keeping thinking about– It’s painful,” he ends up on, “to be with you. Like that.” i tried to make this weird aborted stunted confession sound like realistic dialogue, not 100% sure how that turned out. i think this falling out scene should have been longer but i really just wanted to finish this fic already and was honestly having a really hard time with this scene…

He watches as the pieces fall together behind Soobin’s eyes.

“Beomgyu,” he starts, and Beomgyu thinks the pity he can hear lurking there might be the final straw.

“Don’t,” Beomgyu says, turning his head, catching his own eyes in the mirror. “I already know.” Despite himself, he hangs there in limbo, waiting to see if Soobin will prove him wrong.

A beat. “I really care about you,” Soobin says, clearly pained. Beomgyu’s stomach clenches painfully. He doesn’t need to hear the but. :( honestly soobin might be kind of a little bitch in this story but i still think he’s a sympathetic character. really, where does taking care of yourself first (as everyone should) turn into the wrong thing to do? does it ever? is it when you’re doing it as a self-defense mechanism (as soobin arguably is)—but is that not still your right? i don’t know.

In the mirror: Beomgyu watches Soobin stare up at him. All the attention in the world. For the first time in his life, he wants Soobin to look away. returning back to the mirror motif… i should have changed the comma in the second paragraph of this fic to be a colon so it could match huh.

Beomgyu gets up, watches one of Soobin’s hands reach for him uselessly, before falling back to the sheets.

In the mirror: pain, and the recognition of another’s. A transferral and a freedom. Is it easier to hurt because you can’t give, or because you can’t have?

Not like it matters either way. Beomgyu picks his heart up off the floor. Soobin cradles his to his chest. Hurt is hurt is hurt. i still don’t know about this ENDING… it’s frustrating when something doesn’t feel exactly right but you can’t figure out what you would do to change it. but i don’t think it’s bad and i suppose it really is the thesis: beomgyu’s attempt to bridge the gap failing (his heart on the floor) and soobin unable to accept the gesture due to past Wounds (his heart cradled to his chest). if this fic was longer, i would end this scene after the first “in the mirror,” and then continue the narrative with soobin learning how to accept the vulnerability of love and also beomgyu becoming a stronger person. but i didn’t want to do that and ego in the fire by pulses does a much better job anyway <3